17 Tips For Being Sensitive & Kind If You’re Relating To Someone With A Heavier Trauma Burden Than

Lucky for me, I grew up in a family that values close, bonded and intimate relationships. It's easy for me to get close to people. I am not a fan of relationships with low intimacy or small talk and have a very low tolerance for them. When I am forced to go to a cocktail party, which is my least favorite thing to do, I find one person to be interesting and invest the entire night in learning about that person. Everyone at the cocktail party was offended that I didn't “work the room” and neglected others.

Growing up close to my parents, I had close friendships and was able to have close relationships with them. My boundary-less mother has made it difficult for me to maintain good boundaries. I can easily enmeshed, which I have struggled with for many years. However, close relationships are my safe zone.

However, not everyone I have ever related to is the same as me. Others are wired differently than me and avoid intimacy at all cost. This is how four of my closest friends are wired. My wife of over a decade, my father, my child's father, my best friend, and my current romantic partner struggle with intimacy due to very severe trauma histories. Despite having significant developmental trauma, I have a zero ACE score. This creates a power differential because my relative nervous system privilege allows for me to tolerate intimacy better than the people I love most.

All of my traumatized loved ones share a common struggle with boundaries. Their parents broke their boundaries and made it difficult for them to see where they stand. People tend to push others away when there are no good boundaries. They will build strong walls and protect their children with strong protector parts to keep them safe. My mother, who was controlling and intrusive, never hesitated to violate my boundaries. My loved ones are great “tormentors” to my growth and healing. Tor-mentors, in IFS terminology, are people who trigger you and show you the trailheads that lead to healing. Tormenting someone is a different thing than a tor-mentor, which can be abusive and should be avoided. If two tor-mentors are in therapy, they can grow together. A couple who tortures each other without therapy is just dysfunctional.

I have read many books on attachment theory and trauma in an effort to understand how trauma survivors relate to me. I also want to be able to help them become secure attachment figures.

A colleague of mine is a trauma expert and I sought his help to understand how to do it. He also has a long history of trauma. He has been married to his wife for more than a decade. He claims he tortured her during their first couple of years together, as it was his first real intimate relationship. His first encounter with the woman who became his wife was like a World War II biplane filled with holes. He compared it to trying to get closer to her, and how their intimate relationship was like flying a shot-up plane at 30,000 feet. Sometimes he wonders if he should just have been in a hangar fixing the holes, rather than dragging his wife along with him. His wife, however, doesn't feel the same way. Trauma survivors deserve love and care. We've seen in traumatology that relationships are the best place to heal injuries.

Two decades of therapy and recovery has taught me a lot about how to relate to trauma survivors. Although I cannot make generalizations about my experiences in order to keep my loved ones safe, I hope you will be able to use what I have learned to your own situation.

Let me express my gratitude and deep respect to those who have helped me learn.

1. My loved ones have the right to choose the pace. In Somatic Experiencing Peter Levine teaches that intimacy must be regulated. We try to be as close to the limit of what is acceptable, but not too far beyond it, with my closest loved ones who are resistant to intimacy. We take a step back, breathe, and slow down if the trauma survivor's nervous systems becomes overstimulated or dysregulated due to the closeness. If they are moving slower than I prefer, it is my responsibility to take care of my frustration, impatience or disappointment.

2. Because my loved ones are unable to meet my needs all the time, I must advocate for myself. It's okay to get our needs met by a few people. Intimate relationships require a village. We cannot do it all alone. If one of my close friends is unable to support me in my needs, I have other intimate relationships. These include my closest girlfriends who are more open to intimacy and can take over if my partner gets nervous or has to be quiet.

3. My boundaries must be both clear and flexible. To ensure that we communicate clearly and firmly about what is okay and unacceptable, I must be vigilant in checking in with myself. My boundaries may need to be extremely self-protective, but they shouldn't be rigid. On Tuesday, I might establish a boundary and then find I can ease it by Thursday. As a moment-to-moment boundary renegotiation, it is important to stay in the present.

4. I cannot sacrifice my life to support my loved ones. I am not someone else's mommy, therapist, and rescuer. I am equal and try my best to help someone who may struggle to not either overpower me, or give away their power to me. I harm my loved ones if I make them feel inferior, infantilize them, or allow my relative nervous system privileges to place me in a “one-up” role, and I do this by crossing their boundaries. My thinking and how I see the traumatized loved ones must be observant. I need to respect their process and honor their wholeness. My therapist must help me to address any areas of me that may be prone to neglect my own care.

5. Trauma survivors must learn their boundaries, one by one, as they may not be able to recognize them. They only find out where their boundaries are when they cross mine and get upset. We then learn, retroactively, where they need to be respected and repair any damage that was caused by their inability to warn us beforehand.

6. Resentment is always mine, but their resentment and resentment are theirs. If I feel resentful, it's my fault. This is my sign that my boundaries are being crossed and I need to redirect my energy towards nurturing and tending to my own parts. It is unfair to punish another person for crossing my boundaries. I will get backlash. This is something that I feel unfairly because my loved ones punish me for crossing my boundaries and don't take responsibility. Our mothers taught us that two wrongs do not make a right. Sometimes it can be unfair. This is something I do with close friends and family. We all go to therapy. Although I wouldn't go as far as I would if they refused therapy, I sometimes extend mercy beyond what is comfortable for them, as I know they are doing their best.

7. If they are feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated and need to withdraw, I must allow them the space they need and take care of my anxious parts. They always return, and I am able to comfort my anxious parts more effectively now that I know that. In the past I panicked when they pulled away during triggers. Now, the person who can say it first can reassure the other that “Nobody's going.” This allows us to remember how committed and can do what's necessary to heal our nervous systems.

8. Non-sexual, affectionate physical co-regulation can be both a trigger for trauma survivors and a miracle worker. However, we must learn how to use this medicine. We can usually entrain each other back to a ventral vagal condition if one of us is triggered (search polyvagal theory for more information). If we can touch one another in safe ways, then we can hold one another, breath together, and stop talking in circles. It took a while for the loved ones to learn to tolerate physical co-regulation. It was important to carefully adjust the touch, starting at the edge and pulling back. In the beginning they would react by flinching and startling when I touched them. But their tolerance has increased over time, and it is much easier to return to calmness with each other.

9. I must be careful what I ask for. They will try reflexively to accommodate me even if I just mention that I want something. They will try to accommodate me if they feel threatened or afraid that they might abandon me if they don’t. Even if it's safe, they won't feel comfortable saying no to me. It is difficult for me to express my desires in a consistent way. I need to keep my mouth shut and be controlled.

10. I must double- and triple-check consent with traumatized loved ones. Even then, I need to be able to accept that their “yes” might not be a true yes. For the most severe traumas, the “go-to” survival mechanism is a dorsal vascular freeze and fawn. This is more than the sympathetically driven flight or fight. One of my family members calls this “morning cancer” because he wakes up in this dorsal state and finds it very difficult to get out of it the next morning. Even the most gentle request can cause the freeze/fawn response when the dominant dorsal vagal condition is present. My loved ones will automatically say yes without even pause. They then get backlash from those parts that weren't a yes. My loved ones have come to realize how unfair it is for me to be the one who crosses their boundaries and says yes when they mean no.

11. Sometimes I can take breaks and help the poor, just like caring for someone with cancer. It can be exhausting to support my loved ones through their journey. Sometimes, I have to take a step back and allow my loved ones to meet their needs elsewhere. We are building a group of IFS-informed IFS friends and loving IFS therapists who support each other. Sometimes, I need to remind my loved ones that although I'm not a saint and my capabilities are not unlimited, I can still be a person who needs support. This helps my loved ones to be kind with me when my limits are reached. It's also a reminder that my loved ones can support me on their journeys, which relieves some of my pressure.

12. I can claim what I believe to be true, regardless of how my loved ones may try to convince me otherwise. Their worldviews and beliefs are often distorted by the brainwashing they received. This can make it very confusing for me. If they try to force their worldviews or distorted beliefs onto me (which I feel like they are gaslighting), I can stand firm in my convictions and push back. It's okay if they don’t like it. Gaslighting is unacceptable to me, and my truth is my truth.

13. Although I can show behaviors that I want my loved ones to emulate, I cannot control them. My housemate, for instance, was a former guard and believed that certain lives were more important than others. She also believed that she could be sacrificed if she is protecting someone more valuable than herself. She shouldn't treat me as if I were more valuable than her. When we are out together, she tries to follow me. And I won't let her. She is confused when I slow down so she can walk beside me. Because I can model certain behaviors through my actions. If I get too involved in manipulating or controlling my loved ones, it's a sign that I'm not being honest. My loved ones have the right to decide what is true and to make their own decisions. They can also be free to choose their own path and to operate on their own terms, with no interference from me. It's not my place to control or interfere with their self-destructive behavior, even if they do.

14. I'm always free to stop trying so hard and so are they. If they do anything that is too hurtful, I can end the relationship. It's okay to give it my all and then decide it's not enough. It is not healthy to swear to never leave someone no matter how bad they treat you. These oaths can be dangerous and often create trauma bonds. It's a fine line, honoring both the “Nobody's going” nervous system regulation tool that helps us both and also respecting our right to walk out if it becomes too difficult or one of us feels abused. My daily prayer is that I can continue to show up for my loved ones with genuine, sincere love and not martyrdom. It is my daily prayer that my loved one continue to do the same for me.

15. You both need to cherish your first partner. When there is so much difference in our nervous system privileges and intimacy capacity, it can feel like we are never getting things right. My loved ones and me have to balance the challenge by showing affectionate appreciation and cherishing. The love bombing that my loved ones sometimes experience from their narcissistic partner is quite different to the joy of cherishing. It is important to show love and care for my loved ones with great care. It is important to remember why we choose each other every single day by cherishing and feeling loved by our loved ones. Every day is a choice. To show up, love ourselves, love others, and practice spirituality. Every day, I am grateful for being able to be there for my loved ones as they journey.

16. It's worth it to share laughter, fun, and shared experiences with your loved ones. My friends and I have a lot of fun. Play is what we prioritize so that our relationship doesn’t feel like a grind. My partner and I both enjoy feeling good in our bodies. We keep adding new, exciting, and enjoyable experiences to our relationship. We sometimes have to set boundaries and bracket the difficult stuff so that we remember why we chose each other and how much we share in common.

17. My ability to relax when I am around secure people helps me rest. This is what my two closest friends (and my family) provide.

There are many more. I know there is, but this is what I have learned about being more securely attached and trying to foster attachment with someone less secure. If you know someone who is in a similar situation, please let them know. And if you have relative nervous system privilege, please share it! I know I have much to learn, and I appreciate the crowd-sourcing of our collective wisdom.

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The post 17 Tips for Being Sensitive & Kind When You're Relating to Someone with a Heavier Trauma Burden Than originally appeared on Lissa Rankin.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are the benefits to complementary and alternative medicine?

People who feel that they are not receiving enough support from allopathic medicine can use complementary and alternate medicine (CAM). These include herbal medicines and mind-body therapies, such as acupuncture or massage therapy, homeopathy (traditional Chinese medicine), chiropractic care, biofeedback and hypnosis. CAM practitioners often use treatments that are considered “alternative” because they do not fit into conventional medicine's system of diagnosis and treatment. However, many CAM therapies also incorporate elements of conventional medicine. For example, some forms of acupuncture are performed with needles, while others involve acupressure or moxibustion with heat.

Some CAM therapies can help with anxiety, stress management, pain relief, relaxation, sleep disorders, insomnia, and stress management. They can improve your well-being, reduce fatigue, and may even help you feel more energetic. Some CAM therapies can treat certain conditions such as fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, irritable bowel disorder, rheumatoidarthritis, cancer, diabetes, and irritable bowel syndrome. Other CAM therapies may simply be enjoyable experiences.

Although there is no clear definition of CAM, many definitions include at most one of the following:

A holistic perspective that takes into account both body, mind, spirit, and environment
The belief that the mind and body interact and influence each other
The belief that illness is due in part to an imbalance between the individual (and his/her environment)
A treatment that focuses on the whole person instead of just the symptoms
Combination Western science and Eastern philosophy
Methods that treat mind, body, spirit in a holistic way
Natural products are better than synthetic chemicals
Touch of healing
Mindfulness
Meditation
Acupuncture
Yoga
Herbal remedies
Homeopathy
Chiropractic care
Massage therapy
Hypnotherapy
Spiritual healing
Biofeedback
Nutritional counseling
Energy healing

There are potential risks to certain CAM therapies, in addition to the potential benefits. Some therapies can cause serious harm or even death if practiced incorrectly. Other therapies have potential side effects which must be considered against the perceived benefits. Before you decide whether or not to use any CAMs, talk with your doctor about these matters.

Why do people with advanced cancers use alternative methods of treatment?

Patients with cancer face many difficulties when trying to manage their illness. Some patients may believe they are doomed to failure or that there is no way out. Patients may experience pain, nausea, fatigue, lack of appetite, loss of strength, etc.

Additionally, many conventional treatments do not work against cancer cells. It is important that cancer patients look for alternative therapies, such a complementary medicine. Studies show that almost half of them use alternative medicines at least once during treatment.

Sometimes, cancer patients will choose complementary medicine to chemotherapy. This is because they believe it will be easier and more effective in managing side effects. They may also prefer it because it is less expensive.

The following are other reasons:

Some patients believe that natural remedies can be used to prevent a repeat.

Many believe natural remedies can improve quality of life.

Others believe that natural remedies can reduce the risk of getting cancer again.

People concerned about possible side effects of chemotherapy use natural remedies as first-line therapy.

What is another name for alternative medicine?

Alternative medicine is a broad term that describes any alternative approach to healing. There are many types of alternative medicine. However, they all share the same premise: health care should be grounded in natural substances and practices, not chemical medicines.

Alternative medicine can include acupuncture and herbalism, naturopathy and osteopathic manipulation.

Alternative practitioners claim their treatments have improved health outcomes. They also claim they are more cost-effective and provide better patient satisfaction. However, these assertions cannot be scientifically proven because mainstream medical authorities have largely ignored the evidence-based benefits of alternative medicine.

Statistics

A 15-year systematic review published in 2022 on the global acceptance and use of CAM among medical specialists found the overall acceptance of CAM at 52% and the overall use at 45%. (en.wikipedia.org)
The concept of regression toward the mean implies that an extreme result is more likely to be followed by a less extreme result. (en.wikipedia.org)
In the 17% in which they disagreed, a third reader agreed with one of the initial readers to set a rating. (en.wikipedia.org)
The use of alternative medicine in the US has increased, with a 50 percent increase in expenditures and a 25 percent increase in the use of alternative therapies between 1990 and 1997 in America. (en.wikipedia.org)
These studies found that 38.4% concluded positive or possibly positive effects for CAM (12.4%), 4.8% concluded no effect, 0.7% concluded harmful effects, and 56.6% concluded insufficient evidence. (en.wikipedia.org)

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What are the different types of alternative and complementary medicine?

The main four categories of CAM include mind-body medicines, natural products and manipulative therapy. Mind-body medicine encompasses yoga, Tai Chi, Reiki and massage therapy. It also includes homeopathy, homeopathy, aromatherapy (reflexology), naturopathy biofeedback, Hypnosis, hypnosis, and chiropractic care. Natural products include herbs, vitamins, minerals, dietary supplements, and botanicals. Manipulative therapy includes physical manipulation, such as chiropractic and osteopathic care, acupuncture and therapeutic exercise. Techniques such as prayer or visualization can be used to bring about energy healing.

CAM stands for a broad range of health practices that go beyond the Western medical system. These practices vary widely regarding how much scientific evidence supports them, whether they involve drugs or surgery, and which conditions they treat. Some CAM doctors also provide diagnostic testing (e.g. Blood tests) and can prescribe medication. Others may do neither.

There are several subcategories to each category that go beyond the four primary categories. There are many subcategories within mind-body medicines, such as relaxation techniques and mindfulness training. Natural products include nutritional supplement, botanical medicines and homeopathic remedies. Manual, movement, traction and electrotherapies are all forms of manipulative therapy. They include cupping, stretching and myofascial release. Trigger point therapy, orthotics, neurostimulation, trigger point therapy, manuals, trigger points, trigger point therapy, orthopedics. There are also spiritual healing methods such as prayer, faith healing, and energy healing.

Many CAM therapies treat symptoms, but not the cause. However, CAM may provide relief for some chronic diseases. If used correctly, CAM may be a complement to conventional treatments.

There are many different reasons people use the CAM.

To improve their overall wellbeing.
To manage a condition.
To lessen pain and discomfort.
To prevent illness.
To promote wellness.
To address a personal belief system.

Because it gives them more control than traditional medicine, some people choose CAM. They may believe it has fewer side effects. Others prefer CAM to stay away from prescription medications. Some people prefer not to use pharmaceuticals. Others still seek out CAM, even though they've had bad experiences in conventional medicine.

Some people who use CAM say they want to be sure about what they are doing before trying something new. Many CAM users have questions about safety and effectiveness. Others rely on word of mouth from friends and family members.

Although CAM is often seen negatively in society, most users report positive feelings towards CAM. People who use CAM are more happy and healthier than those who do not. This is true regardless age, gender and race.

An overwhelming majority of Americans are familiar with some form of complementary or alternative medicine. 95% or more of adult Americans have used some type of CAM in their lives. According to the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health(NCCIH), there were approximately 40 million visits to CAM providers between 2010 and 2010.

The NCCIH estimates that 10 percent of the U.S. population uses chiropractors, massage therapists, acupuncturists, naturopaths, and/or osteopaths.3 By comparison, only 2 percent of the population uses medical doctors.

In 2013, the American Medical Association reaffirmed its support for integrative medicine. It stated that doctors should incorporate scientifically validated complementary and alternative medicine into their clinical practice to meet patients' expectations and needs.

The Institute of Medicine published a landmark 2007 report called “Relating Constraints” that concluded that there was no evidence to support the claim that any particular CAM intervention can prevent, treat, cure, or cure cancer.

Despite this conclusion, CAM continues to grow in popularity. The number of CAM practitioners grew by 8 percent in 2008 compared to 2007.

A recent study showed that nearly half of respondents had used CAM to supplement their primary care.

CAM therapies may include natural products and mind-body practices as well as manipulative techniques, energy healing, modalities, exercise, and dietary supplements.

Many CAM therapies are used primarily as pain relief. But, many offer additional benefits such relaxation, improved moods, better sleep, decreased stress and enhanced immunity.

Acupuncture, for example, can relieve chronic back pain, lower anxiety and depression, improve immune function and promote weight loss.

Many CAM treatments have roots in Ayurvedic, Chinese, and Traditional Chinese medicine.

Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), which originated in China 5,000 years back, has been practiced in China ever since.

TCM is an important component of modern health care.

TCM has become a popular treatment option for more than 70% of the population in the United States.

Another popular CAM therapy is yoga. Yoga was founded in India approximately 5000 B.C. Yoga is now an accepted global practice.

Yoga has gained popularity due to its physical, mental, as well as spiritual benefits.

Yoga can ease stress, improve flexibility and increase strength.

Yoga has been shown to improve sleep33, even though there is not much scientific evidence. It may also be beneficial for insomnia sufferers.

Other CAM therapies, such as meditation, homeopathy, aromatherapy, are also becoming more mainstream.

One of the most common types of CAM used today is herbal medicine.

Herbal medicines may include herbs and spices, flowers, seeds or fruits, bark, leaves or roots, as well stems.

They are commonly used as safer alternatives to prescription drugs and are often preferred by consumers.

The U.S. National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health estimates that about 90 million Americans use some form of complementary/alternative medicine.

The American Cancer Society reports that 45% (or more) of those diagnosed with cancer have used alternative medicines during their illness.

The National Institutes of Health estimate that 60% of patients suffering from cancer use CAM. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that 50% of all cancer survivors have reported using CAM.

According to a recent survey, 51% reported that they used at least one type (CAM) of CAM.

However, only 8% discussed the topic with their physicians.

This lack of communication between conventional medical providers and CAM users represents a significant gap in healthcare delivery.

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