As many women and children who were raised in religious homes, I was taught to be a sweet, kind, accommodating, and compliant girl who pleased authority figures. I was raised to be a sweet, kind, accommodating, compliant, good girl who would please authority figures and not cause any trouble for teachers, pastors, or my parents.
It is a form of conditioning that makes adults very susceptible to manipulation and exploitation by those who want something from them. The default indoctrination is to sacrifice oneself, suppress desires and needs, and even harm themselves to please others. People tend to be more accepting of those who have been conditioned in this manner. This makes us pleasant, helpful and flexible people with a good temper. We are also easy to be around.
It’s a powerful adaptation, and sometimes a necessary survival skill for us when we are young. It’s often what has kept us safe, loved, and cared for. If we do not break this habit after our survival has been assured, it could lead to a life of martyrdom, selfless work that makes us sick and self-neglect. It can also cause problems in relationships because people will look for us as easy prey.
It may be that the strategy works for a while. We are liked, we make friends easily, we get along well with teachers, supervisors and other people in authority and receive a lot validation for our easy-going and accommodating nature.
There’s also a darker side to this that we become aware of over time. We don’t protect ourselves well, we don’t speak up for our needs, we won’t say no when necessary, we won’t ask for help from those we have helped a lot, so we become vulnerable to people who are conditioned to maximize their own self-interest at any cost, regardless of how many people it takes to achieve that goal.
We may be blind to those who do not have our best interest at heart. It is possible to misinterpret the intentions of others, who may not be trying to do us any good and even have a malicious intent to harm us. We may fail to see danger right in our face and feel blindsided by someone who hurts us.
We start to wonder, “Who has my back?” After resentment and passive-aggressive outbursts accumulate, we begin to realize that we are sick of being fucked and need to take responsibility for our own actions.
My therapist began what she called “ruthless” lessons when I reached this point in my therapy. She told me that I was too “ruthless,” which made me an easy target for people with ruthless agendas and blinded me from the hidden agendas of those who saw me as someone ripe for being exploited. She told me that I was able to see the good in the most heartless of scoundrels, which made me vulnerable for people who didn’t wish me well.
It wasn’t until I did a quick search that I learned what “ruth” meant. Ruth is a synonym for compassion, sympathy, compassion and tenderness. People lacking ruth are unable to feel sorry for others’ misery. They lack empathy and cannot show mercy or compassion to another person.
While it may seem noble to extend compassion to others’ suffering, this can also make us easy to fuck with. This is because we continue to show naive compassion to those who are ruthless. Although extending compassion towards others’ suffering may seem noble, it can make us vulnerable to abuse. No matter how ruthless a person is, we continue to extend naive empathy, which can disable our own self-protection mechanisms. We end up protecting people who are ruthless and have no interest protecting us.
My goal during this part of therapy was to become “unfuckwithable.” It was a difficult part, because I realized how many people thought they were entitled to fuck me. They didn’t like it when I tried to protect myself, set boundaries, say no and ask for what I wanted. I also cut off those who looked at me as a source of blessings.
Due to the nature of my job, I was at my most vulnerable when working. I did not realize how many people wanted to take advantage of my celebrity status, respectable reputation, and medical credentials to advance themselves. I was unable to recognize people who were pretending to befriended me, but what they wanted instead was my online platform or endorsement of their book, work, etc., or my full attention. They did this to gain access to my work, make money, build their reputation, or any other agenda that they failed to disclose to me.
As part of my “ruthless lesson” homework, I watched documentaries, films, and fictional characters such as The Talented Mr. Ripley and cult documentary exposing real sociopaths. My therapist made it clear that she wasn’t trying to make be ruthless. She felt that it was crucial for my own protection to be able recognize ruthlessness.
The ruthless lessons I received were not meant to make me paranoid. However, it was quite frightening to learn that many people who I thought loved me wanted to exploit me even if they hurt me. I didn’t realize that my childhood conditioning made me vulnerable to others who would take advantage of how I was trained to act. These ruthless lessons weren’t meant to take away my compassion for people who are influenced by trauma to act in a hurtful or exploitative way. The ruthless lessons were not intended to strip me of compassion for people whose traumas cause them to behave in hurtful or exploitative ways. They were meant simply as a wake-up call from my naive idealism, which portrayed even the most corrupt and criminally exploitative people as well-intentioned trauma victims doing their best with good intentions. These ruthless lessons taught that I am worthy of protection and safeguarding. They also taught me to set boundaries with people who want to take advantage of me.
My readers and students asked me to share the “ruthless” lessons I learned and to help those who are tired of being mistreated take off their rose-colored lenses and become “unfuckwithable.” “When you’re wearing rose-colored spectacles, red flags look like flags,” my daughter told me.
By popular demand, I am preparing to teach a program online with guest faculty entitled “Becoming Unf*ckwithable”. This is about “ruthless lesson,” how to identify the red flags that you must see clearly to stay safe, and how to protect yourself with healthy IFS-informed boundary,
Register here to learn more.
Let me give you a few suggestions to help you learn how to protect yourself against people who are exploitative.
1. Do not automatically accept strangers as they are. You do not want to be paranoid about strangers. You don’t have to believe what a stranger says, or presume good intentions when you just met someone. Some people have no regrets about approaching you without disclosing their agenda and manipulating your behavior to achieve what they want. I believe that most people, even after harsh lessons, are good. Not everyone is looking out for your best interests.
2. Do you care about your safety? If so, then do some research. Google fact-checking can reveal a lot. Ask for references, or talk to people you know who may be able to give you a better idea of the person. You should look for red flags such as a history or lawsuits, scandals and frequent job changes. Also, you can check for broken relationships, family estrangement, and a history of divorce. You can do a background search if your intuition tells you to, particularly if you are considering extending trust, money or proximity. It’s not to say everyone with a dark past is untrustworthy. Some people go to therapy or 12 step their recovery, and work hard to change their lives. If someone is a risk and has no interest in recovery it may be best to stay away or set very strict boundaries.
3. Love bombing is a form of narcissistic abuse that can be very seductive. The seduction and intoxication can be very powerful, but like any drug high the feelings don’t last. Love is an emotional connection that is slowly built over many months and years. Love bombing, on the other hand, is like a cotton candy high, where you are feigning affection or sucking someone up. Love bombing can be hard to resist if you were not given enough attention as a child, or if you are lonely and need connection. Once you understand that this is how people try to get close to your so they can play with you, the high won’t be worth it. It’s easy to distinguish between love and love-bombing once you’ve learned to differentiate. You can then set boundaries and restrict access to the person as soon as the love-bombing is detected. You can be manipulated by those who want to take advantage of you if you do not accept the love bombing. They will either escalate it or use a new manipulative technique. Keep your eyes open, but without the rose-colored glasses.
4. Be aware of the person’s track record. The next person they will talk trash about is you. Ruthless individuals are often high conflict people with broken relationships in their past. They have little ability to express regret or apologize for their mistakes. Even healthy people make mistakes, but they express regret, admit their errors, and talk about others in a way that is humanizing, even if they have been wronged.
5. Ask that agendas be transparent. In grey zones, ruthlessness thrives. Asking for transparency and boundaries, or calling someone out on a suspected hidden agenda will encourage healthy people to tell you what they need. Ruthless people, however, may be caught off-guard and it is possible to spot a crack in their smoothness. Ask if, for example, you feel someone is about to come onto you, and you believe they may have a secret agenda. Be direct if someone appears to be initiating the transaction, but is not providing you with a contract. Ask for the details of the deal. If someone I don’t really know offers to give me a gift, or a favor, or invites me to dinner and I accept, I may ask them what they expect in return. Do they expect to spend time with me one-on-one? Are they looking for a favor on my part? Are they looking for a date or a professional favor? As long as the other person is upfront with me about what they want, I’m willing to consent or not. In the spotlight, manipulation and exploitation are exposed much more quickly than in the murky world of grey zones.
I have written hundreds of pages on these topics from what I learned during therapy. I will include much of what I have learned and written in Becoming Unf*ckwithable.
We invite anyone who struggles with this issue, or knows someone who does to join us.
The first time this post appeared on Lissa Rankin was 5 Ways to Protect Yourself from Exploitative Persons.
Frequently Asked Questions
What does holistic mean?
Holistic is a holistic approach. It means looking at the whole picture rather than just part of it. This can be hard because we are used seeing things as parts.
We tend to think of black and then white. There are many shades and shades of grey.
It is important to consider all angles when working on a project. It is important to see it from all angles.
You should try to see it all as one. Is there a way for its elements to interact?
You should also ask yourself why the problem is occurring. Remember to think about the consequences of any changes you make.
What is a holistic medicine doctor?
Holistic medicine doctors are those who treat patients holistically. They may incorporate western medicine into their treatment, as well as traditional methods such acupuncture or herbs.
They are not interested in treating symptoms but rather a disease. The patient should feel better upon completion of treatment.
The doctor should not only focus on curing the disease but also help prevent future illnesses.
“Holistic” is a term that refers all aspects of a person’s life.
What is the alternative to holistic medicine?
Holistic medicine, a method of health care, considers all aspects, including the spiritual, emotional, and environmental aspects. Holistic medicine is based on the idea that every illness has multiple causes. It requires a combination therapy to achieve maximum effectiveness.
Doctors who practice holistic medicine believe that prevention is better than cure. To achieve optimal wellness, holistic medicine doctors work closely alongside their patients.
They are trained to spot the root causes and prevent future disease. Holistic physicians treat the entire body, not just its organs. They sometimes refer to “the whole body” as the entirety of their being.
It means they treat the body holistically and look beyond the skin. The doctor may suggest changes to diet, lifestyle, and exercise. He may also recommend yoga and meditation, herbal supplements or massage, acupuncture treatment, or alternative medicine.
What does it mean to use complementary medicine?
Complementary Medicine is an umbrella term for any medical treatment that complements mainstream medicine. It covers therapies such as acupuncture.
Complementary medicines should not be used in lieu of traditional medicine. They should be used alongside it. They are sometimes called “alternative”, and “integrative”, as they combine Western science methods with other healing approaches.
Where can I find out more information about holistic healing?
Holistic medicine is an approach to health care that focuses on treating the whole person rather than just focusing on one part of the body. It considers all aspects of a patient’s life, including physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being.
Holistic medicine treats the whole person and not individual symptoms. Holistic medicine isn’t about curing a disease. It is all about healing.
Holistic medicine includes preventive measures such as exercise and nutrition and treatments for chronic conditions such as arthritis and diabetes.
There are many types of holistic medicine.
- Acupuncture
- Aromatherapy
- Ayurveda
- Chiropractic medicine
- Homeopathy
- Herbalism
- Naturopathy
- Nutrition
- Osteopathic medicine
- Vedic medicine
- Yoga
Statistics
- In the 17% in which they disagreed, a third reader agreed with one of the initial readers to set a rating. (en.wikipedia.org)
- In 83% of the cases, the readers agreed. (en.wikipedia.org)
- According to the World Health Organization, 80% of people use herbal medicine worldwide. (webmd.com)
- According to a 2005 book by a US [116]Institute of Medicine panel, the number of RCTs focused on CAM has risen dramatically. (en.wikipedia.org)
- The use of alternative medicine in the US has increased, with a 50 percent increase in expenditures and a 25 percent increase in the use of alternative therapies between 1990 and 1997 in America. (en.wikipedia.org)
External Links
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
- BIOFEEDBACK TRAINING FOR TENSION-TYPE HEADACHE–PubMed
- PubMed: A Randomized Controlled Trial to Determine the Effects of Foot Reflexology on Depression and Hospital Anxiety in Older Females: A Randomized Controlled Study – PubMed
liebertpub.com
nccih.nih.gov
cam.cancer.gov
How To
How do I deal with my girlfriend who trusts alternative medicine?
There are many resources available online for anyone who is dealing with a loved person suffering from a mental illness. The internet isn’t able to provide much help for those who believe in alternative medicines.
It seems that there is a huge divide between the two groups. Both those who have doubts about traditional medicine and those who see the benefits.
What happens when you come across someone who believes in alternative treatments for mental health issues?
Because you don’t know the right way to respond, you might feel confused or frustrated. What should you say to your partner if he tells that he would prefer to see an acupuncturist to his doctor? Or when she suggests she would rather eat glutenfree than take antidepressants.
It’s important to ask questions. It is important to ask questions early so that you don’t have to suffer later.
How can you ask him these difficult questions without making it offensive? What if your client says he doesn’t believe in doctors? Tell him that he should not trust anyone.
Or what if he says she thinks antidepressants do not work? Do you need to tell her that she’s wrong
Here’s where things can get complicated. If you point out her error, it could cause you to upset her further.
You could also suggest she see a psychiatrist. This may cause more problems than it solves. You might be angry with her for suggesting it. Or, she may believe you are trying control her life.
What should you do?
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This blog is a source of general information and discussion on health and related topics. Information and materials on this blog, on the website, or in any of the connected materials are not intended to replace or used as a substitute for the advice of a medical professional, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog does not represent the application of any nursing, medical or other health professional advice or diagnosis. We are unable to diagnose health conditions, offer second opinions or provide specific treatment recommendations via this blog or on our website.
If you or another person is suffering from a medical issue and you are concerned, consult your doctor or seek out other medical professional treatment as soon as possible. Do not disregard medical advice from a professional or delay seeking it due to information you seen on the blog or website or in any of the linked materials. If you’re experiencing an emergency medical situation, dial 911 or seek emergency medical assistance on the closest phone immediately.
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By: Karoline
Title: 5 Ways To Protect Yourself From Exploitative People
Sourced From: lissarankin.com/5-ways-to-protect-yourself-from-exploitative-people/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=5-ways-to-protect-yourself-from-exploitative-people
Published Date: Tue, 16 May 2023 15:55:59 +0000
Frequently Asked Questions
What does holistic mean?
Holistic is a holistic approach. It means looking at the whole picture rather than just part of it. This can be hard because we are used seeing things as parts.
We tend to think of black and then white. There are many shades and shades of grey.
It is important to consider all angles when working on a project. It is important to see it from all angles.
You should try to see it all as one. Is there a way for its elements to interact?
You should also ask yourself why the problem is occurring. Remember to think about the consequences of any changes you make.
What is a holistic medicine doctor?
Holistic medicine doctors are those who treat patients holistically. They may incorporate western medicine into their treatment, as well as traditional methods such acupuncture or herbs.
They are not interested in treating symptoms but rather a disease. The patient should feel better upon completion of treatment.
The doctor should not only focus on curing the disease but also help prevent future illnesses.
“Holistic” is a term that refers all aspects of a person’s life.
What is the alternative to holistic medicine?
Holistic medicine, a method of health care, considers all aspects, including the spiritual, emotional, and environmental aspects. Holistic medicine is based on the idea that every illness has multiple causes. It requires a combination therapy to achieve maximum effectiveness.
Doctors who practice holistic medicine believe that prevention is better than cure. To achieve optimal wellness, holistic medicine doctors work closely alongside their patients.
They are trained to spot the root causes and prevent future disease. Holistic physicians treat the entire body, not just its organs. They sometimes refer to “the whole body” as the entirety of their being.
It means they treat the body holistically and look beyond the skin. The doctor may suggest changes to diet, lifestyle, and exercise. He may also recommend yoga and meditation, herbal supplements or massage, acupuncture treatment, or alternative medicine.
What does it mean to use complementary medicine?
Complementary Medicine is an umbrella term for any medical treatment that complements mainstream medicine. It covers therapies such as acupuncture.
Complementary medicines should not be used in lieu of traditional medicine. They should be used alongside it. They are sometimes called “alternative”, and “integrative”, as they combine Western science methods with other healing approaches.
Where can I find out more information about holistic healing?
Holistic medicine is an approach to health care that focuses on treating the whole person rather than just focusing on one part of the body. It considers all aspects of a patient’s life, including physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being.
Holistic medicine treats the whole person and not individual symptoms. Holistic medicine isn’t about curing a disease. It is all about healing.
Holistic medicine includes preventive measures such as exercise and nutrition and treatments for chronic conditions such as arthritis and diabetes.
There are many types of holistic medicine.
- Acupuncture
- Aromatherapy
- Ayurveda
- Chiropractic medicine
- Homeopathy
- Herbalism
- Naturopathy
- Nutrition
- Osteopathic medicine
- Vedic medicine
- Yoga
Statistics
- In the 17% in which they disagreed, a third reader agreed with one of the initial readers to set a rating. (en.wikipedia.org)
- In 83% of the cases, the readers agreed. (en.wikipedia.org)
- According to the World Health Organization, 80% of people use herbal medicine worldwide. (webmd.com)
- According to a 2005 book by a US [116]Institute of Medicine panel, the number of RCTs focused on CAM has risen dramatically. (en.wikipedia.org)
- The use of alternative medicine in the US has increased, with a 50 percent increase in expenditures and a 25 percent increase in the use of alternative therapies between 1990 and 1997 in America. (en.wikipedia.org)
External Links
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
- BIOFEEDBACK TRAINING FOR TENSION-TYPE HEADACHE–PubMed
- PubMed: A Randomized Controlled Trial to Determine the Effects of Foot Reflexology on Depression and Hospital Anxiety in Older Females: A Randomized Controlled Study – PubMed
liebertpub.com
nccih.nih.gov
cam.cancer.gov
How To
How do I deal with my girlfriend who trusts alternative medicine?
There are many resources available online for anyone who is dealing with a loved person suffering from a mental illness. The internet isn’t able to provide much help for those who believe in alternative medicines.
It seems that there is a huge divide between the two groups. Both those who have doubts about traditional medicine and those who see the benefits.
What happens when you come across someone who believes in alternative treatments for mental health issues?
Because you don’t know the right way to respond, you might feel confused or frustrated. What should you say to your partner if he tells that he would prefer to see an acupuncturist to his doctor? Or when she suggests she would rather eat glutenfree than take antidepressants.
It’s important to ask questions. It is important to ask questions early so that you don’t have to suffer later.
How can you ask him these difficult questions without making it offensive? What if your client says he doesn’t believe in doctors? Tell him that he should not trust anyone.
Or what if he says she thinks antidepressants do not work? Do you need to tell her that she’s wrong
Here’s where things can get complicated. If you point out her error, it could cause you to upset her further.
You could also suggest she see a psychiatrist. This may cause more problems than it solves. You might be angry with her for suggesting it. Or, she may believe you are trying control her life.
What should you do?
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