Interrupting The Irresistible Appeal Of The Seductive Narcissist

*Art by Jennifer Bruce

Interrupting the irresistible appeal of the seductive narcissist

It’s no surprise that people love to hate on narcissists. If we ignore all warning signs and red flags, it can feel like whiplash. We jump headfirst into relationships only to see the abuse and exploitation spiral on a dime, leaving our heads spinning, and our hearts feeling broken and blindsided. There are hundreds of books on how to spot narcissists, and how to recognize the signs of sociopathy. We can then get out of this mess before it gets worse.

However, many people with narcissistic tendencies are attractive at first glance. People who are narcissistic tend to be attractive, well-informed, intelligent, creative, skilled, charismatic and confident. Narcissistic spiritual healers and teachers may appear to possess special powers or mystical magical abilities that can be captivating, compelling, curious-inducing and impressive. This is especially true if they are selling “enlightenment” to make all your pain disappear forever.

There’s so much to love about

It is often a great feeling to be selected by someone who makes you feel good enough, appreciated and valued. Who wouldn’t love to feel loved, chosen and special by someone they might consider a “catch span”?

There’s always a catch to such a catch

There is always a catch. The love bombing is temporary, tends to fade after the seductive spell has been cast. Peaking only if you rebel against their domination, stop complying with the agenda, or threaten to break free from the spell. Flattery is used to manipulate you into following their agenda. Love bombing can be used as a way to get high and can lead to addiction. If you do not make any effort towards your self-defense, or if they have a very specific agenda for you, all that flattery could turn to venom. There’s an inexplicable lack of empathy underneath all the charm. This can mask deep feelings of insecurity and worthlessness.

It can be very confusing. It can feel very confusing. You may wonder what happened, and how you were criticized, threatened or punished if you didn’t comply with the coercion. It is hard to believe that all that euphoria could turn into despair when you stop holding up a mirror to reflect their self-image and play the cursed Echo to the Narcissus.

You might feel like you’ve been pulled into a vortex, losing your footing, and agreeing with things you couldn’t have imagined. You may feel lost and confused by the lies and gaslighting, and even question your reality. You may blame yourself and engage in self-improvement, spiritual bypassing, or “make me attractive again” activities. It’s possible to believe you have done something wrong. You may read 1000 books, or embark on a course in meditation, energy healing, or spiritual counseling to improve your self-esteem and be able to forgive the narcissist or trigger them less. It’s possible to feel lost or confused. Some people who are enslaved by narcissistic abuse can even go on to develop mental illnesses, such as suicidality, depression, addiction, or other chronic conditions that doctors cannot treat.

Pain can be a great teacher

It is hard to get out of a relationship that is so destructive. However, there is a bright side. Pain can be a powerful teacher. If you are able to learn from it and grow from it in therapy. You will also be more able to spot the seductive charms of narcissist types the next time they try to lure you. Once you have healed your wounds and taken safety from any danger, it is time to identify the red flags. It is easy to spot the signs of love bombing and flattery early in a relationship. This happens too quickly and too often without the long-term relationships that build intimacy, love, and trust. It is easy to see past the pomp and feeling superior to others. It’s easy to see how they look down on others and criticize them as a way to fluff themselves up.

If you become too close to someone who is following this pattern, you will notice the euphoria that you are likely to feel. However, healthy relationships are more likely to have lower lows if they are willing to give up the addictive euphoria. Instead of succumbing to the euphoria, and looking for the next fix, recognize them as the heroin that they truly are and start a process to recover from the addiction to falling prey to the next narcissistic lover who dangles a hook.

Healing the Trauma That Makes you Vulnerable To Narcissistic Abusement

It’s not enough to be able to identify red flags. It is important to dig deeper to heal traumatized parts of your young self that may have been sucked up to a narcissistic parent. These survival strategies could have saved your life in the past but may not have been necessary. These people may remind you of your parents, so you might be attracted to their darkness. Your need to protect the narcissist one from their shadow can even make you erotically turn on. Healthy people won’t be able to turn on you until you have treated the wounds that make narcissistic tendencies so attractive. You’ll eventually find people who are healthier and have better boundaries.

To recover from narcissistic abuse, you must not only treat the trauma inflicted on the victim but also how to handle early childhood abuse by narcissistic parents and other caregivers. You need to learn how to protect yourself and your family, say no, call authorities and hold your abusers responsible. This is an oversimplification of a complex relationship pattern.

It’s enough to say that we’ll get down to business to understand and have compassion on all our “parts”, even those who may be susceptible to the seductive hooks and manipulative agendas of others.

With insight, discernment tools and self-awareness about your vulnerability to the spell-castings of narcissistic types you can learn compassion without falling for their traps and hold them responsible for any harm they do. You will be able to spot these people quickly and take steps to protect yourself as well as others who may be hurt in the aftermath. This will allow you to see your shadow and not blame the victim. Instead, it will help you feel empowered in recovery, rather than feeling like a victim blindsided by the past that doesn’t have enough information to protect you in the future.

If you find yourself in situations that make you vulnerable to narcissistic abuse please remember you are not alone. There is hope. You might find that your recovery and the trauma healing you will likely need to go through can make you more prepared for the deep, real, deeper love, connection and intimacy that you can receive from surviving narcissistic abusive.

Breaking the Pattern

The next narcissistic type is going to drop some love bombs and blast you with charm. They will also flatter you and succomb up to you relentlessly. You’ll see it as the song and dance it really is, and you might even feel compassion for the person who is doing it. It’s possible to feel compassion for someone who is unable to handle being out of control at all times, especially if they have learned strategies to avoid it happening again. Trauma-informed compassion can be developed, as narcissism and addiction are both symptoms of trauma. You may even feel compassion for the person who is suffering from narcissism.

Even if you feel compassion or empathy, you don’t have to save them or follow their lead. You don’t have the obligation to rescue them or meet their sometimes infantile needs. You’ll realize that the pain and suffering of withdrawal from heroin is not worth it, so you won’t take the bait. You will say “No, thankyou,” and then walk away without looking back.