I have been researching curriculum for a class called Becoming F*ckwithable about how to improve discernment and spot red flags in toxic relationships. I also want to protect myself with wise discernment and good boundaries, as well as become less vulnerable to people who are ruthless and intend to exploit and suck dry your life force, your money, your attention, your adoration and your time.
Register to Become Unf*ckable Here
Before I share more tips, let me reiterate that narcissism is a spectrum. Craig Malkin explains in Rethinking Narcissism that if narcissism is measured on a 0-10 scale, with 8-10 being excessive narcissism while 0-3 being inadequate, then we need a healthy dose of narcissism between 4-7. The pop culture demonizes the narcissist, while showing sympathy for those who have suffered narcissistic violence. It’s not hard to see why. The victims of such abuse are traumatized, and the perpetrators often escape justice or accountability. We must also remember that narcissists often are trauma survivors who have been victims of abuse by abusive or enabling parents. Some people believe that narcissists can’t be healed. This is true, if the narcissists never seek treatment. However, some people who have narcissistic traits are actively trying to change their behavior and thinking. Unfortunately, the grandiosity that narcissists exhibit prevents them from receiving trauma therapy. However, if they are willing to face their shadow, then I believe treatment is feasible.
A person who had read my posts on the red flags for narcissistic relationship responded to me via email, saying, “I understand all the compelling warnings regarding the ruthlessness and incorrigibility of incorrigible Narcissists. I also understand the logic, if narcissism really is an uncurable condition.” Do you think that’s the case, or can some narcissists be saved? If so, what are they able to do? Please provide some useful advice for both the narcissists and their victims. My wife is a wonderful, loving, and talented woman, but despite my many positive qualities, I am unable to make friends. “I am in desperate need of a lifeline before I lose my darling.”
In IFS, narcissists are often victims and traumatized by others. This is why we refer to these behaviors as “legacy burdens”. This doesn’t mean that we should excuse people or accept their behavior. It helps us to understand why people treat innocent people badly, even though they deserve better treatment.
It’s important to understand the patterns of narcissistic violence because we both want to avoid being victims of this type of abuse and we also want to prevent victimizing others in this manner. This psycho-education will help both those who perpetrate these behaviors as well as the victims. I hope you find it helpful.
In a later post, I will explain how dissociative disorders masquerade as narcissism when it is actually a completely different thing (largely due to the different motives and intents). Let me share a few more quotes and tips from Dr. Ramani.
1. Love is not earned but trust.
All toxic and narcissistic relationship are characterized by conditional love. Love is often a transaction in these relationships. Parents who are egocentric, distracted and narcissistic may have given their children conditional love. They feel they need to earn it or do things to be noticed. Unaware, trauma survivors can slip into cycles of conditional love and feel like they need to do or perform what the other person wants to be loved. The core of a trauma bond is this.
I tell my clients that we should aim for unconditional love, but with conditional access. It is not necessary to earn unconditional love, but it must be earned to have trust. Without trust, you can’t keep someone close. Love should never be a transaction. We all have limits on what we will tolerate. Ever. Never should you have to spend money to show someone that you love them or to be loved back.
2. To feel safe, victims of narcissistic violence often think they must let others exploit them.
Ingrid Clayton, a therapist and author of Believing Me,, a survivor of narcissistic violence, said: “I needed to be exploited in order to feel secure.” This is because they learned from narcissistic families that they would get better treatment if they allowed themselves to be exploited. When a child’s uniqueness isn’t valued, they may feel useful to make money for the narcissistic parents or be sexually abused by a molesting mother or father or exploited because of high achievement by the parent who views the child as an extension of them. It has a profound impact on their self-worth and makes them believe that their only worth is to be used in the name love by others. They struggle to accept themselves as they are. They grow up vulnerable because they believe that they have no value in a relationship until they are exploited. It feels safer to be used than loved because it is familiar. The survivor can also feel secure knowing that the person using them is dependent on, or needs, them.
3. Narcissistic families are characterized by a tendency to achieve and perfectionism.
These survivors often display traits such as perfectionism and achievement. These trauma symptoms can be missed because high-achieving children are not pathologized. Children who are impulsive, who underachieve or who end up in juvie are more likely to be identified as needing help. Overachievers are often afraid to try anything other than to please their narcissistic parents, who can be very unpleasing. Many survivors decide early on that they will just keep their heads down to disprove family propaganda that the targeted child is a manipulative or sensitive person. The overachieving golden kid may also overachieve to gain attention and approval that is conditional, as a cheap way of substituting unconditional love. Perfectionism is not a good thing. These patterns can lead to compulsive behavior, obsessive thinking, rigidity and dysregulation.
4. Two-faced narcissists abusers.
They can be the most charismatic, charming, engaging person to anyone outside their home. This includes authority figures, people in power, and other people they wish to impress. They then walk into their house, close the door and begin to abuse everyone inside. This makes it difficult for anyone to seek help. The abuse is intentional. The abuser does not scream in your face, which shows that he or she has some control over the emotional or physical abuse. The abuser waits until they have asked if you are on speakerphone or until you are in a private place, away from the public gaze, to unleash their emotional violence. This allows them to maintain their public image while still allowing you to be abused in private. This ability to switch it on and off shows that they are not simply losing control and seeing red; they do it intentionally. The public is more likely to believe the story of an abuse victim if they see their abuser in a raged, angry state. They often don’t believe victims because they keep their anger in private and turn it off when they are out.
5. Chemistry isn’t all that it seems in romantic comedies.
It is dangerous to seek “chemistry”, especially for those who have survived narcissistic family relationships. The chemistry may be a way to express the emotional pull to someone where trauma-bonded patterns are activated by trying to win them over and prove our worth to them. This is a primal effort to “work through” past narcissistic abuse. The chemistry of a relationship can be described as a psycho-dynamic familiarity. It is that toxic comfort that comes with being around someone who has old wounds.
If you were abused by a narcissist as a child, the chemistry of an adult relationship can be dangerous. Chemistry is the unnamed sizzle that you feel when starting a relationship or in an ongoing volatile relationship. It can be a sign of toxic familiarity. When we talk about dating, falling in love or fighting for messy relationships, chemistry is often romanticized. This is often a sign of someone feeling the familiarity of their old patterns, or the belief that things will be different this time. This time, the person you really want to see will reallysee. It’s likely that if you cannot express in words what you love about someone, you have a trauma bond. Respect, kindness and compassion are not chemistry but they make a relationship healthy. Don’t dismiss a relationship because you don’t feel chemistry but are enjoying the company of someone. Let yourself soak in the warm, comfortable, and perhaps uninspiring bath of safety for a moment.
6. Narcissistic abuse during childhood can cause children to lose their true self and replace it with a false one.
Many survivors of narcissistic violence feel that they have lost their true self in adult narcissistic relationship. It makes sense, because the children who showed their true self to their narcissistic parent or enabler were abandoned or abused. They may have also been rejected or used as scapegoats. Some survivors feel shame at giving up. But they need to remember when they were children and showed up as themselves, their narcissistic parents often abandoned them. It’s also a powerful survival mechanism or, in IFS terms, a part that “protects”. Understanding these cycles is key to healing yourself and forgiving others.
7. It may be a poor substitute for a good relationship to try and “look good”.
In narcissistic relationship, many people want the relationship to look “good” and may feel reassured by the notion that if they can make it look good then will begood. This superficial patina “If it looks like it’s good, then it must be good” is one of the games that narcissistic individuals can play. In order to look good and save face, survivors may end up doing uncomfortable things, even if it means selling themselves out. This is often a repeat of their childhood.
8. Narcissists are only interested in their own validation.
In a narcissistic partnership, all validation goes to the narcissist. You may not be the only person needed to validate a narcissist if there are many pots of narcissistic supplies. Their stomachs may always be filled and they need less validation from their primary relationships. They may be a celebrity or rock star, and get plenty of narcissistic supplies from their work. This will make them less needy when it comes to a romantic partner. If the narcissistic supplies dry up, as they did for many narcissists during the lockdown pandemic, then you may find that the person becomes very demanding and demands a lot of validation. If they are behaving badly, you may stop providing validation to them 24/7. Or, if you begin challenging or protesting abuse, you will find that the narcissist is more likely to attack you, become defensive, manipulate and search for a new narcissistic source who can fill in the gap left by the lack of validation. Or, they may leave and replace you immediately.
9. Narcissistic relationships begin with either too much or not enough attention.
Early on in a relationship, a narcissist can be either too much attention or not enough. It can be an obsessional, overwhelming form of love-bombing, or it could just be waiting at the phone to see if you are being thought about, to find out how soon you should text back, and to determine if you are interested. When they do show up, the excitement can be great, but then they leave again. Even at the beginning of a healthy relationship, communication, expectations, and rhythms are clearer and less chaotic.
10. Love is not obsession and control.
Many people confuse control and obsession, when dealing with controlling and obsessive spouses. This is not love, or even intense attention. It’s not love if someone stalks you and showers you with attention. That is creepy love bombing. This almost always ends in isolation and abuse. Yet we can be fooled because we think the intentions are good. It is dangerous to see everything through the lenses of goodness, trust, and beneficence. It’s important to be skeptic when meeting someone new. We don’t need to become paranoid but we should always have a healthy level of skepticism. We can be in a very dangerous situation if we are unable to spot red flags due to our innocence, gullibility and naivety.
Join us at Becoming Unf*ckwithable for more insight, psycho-education and tools on how to protect yourself and heal from narcissistic abusive relationships.
The first time the post Healing From Narcissistic Abuse (Ruthless Lessons Part 3) appeared on Lissa Rankin.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the distinction between holistic medicine and traditional medicines?
Traditional medicine focuses on treating symptoms, while holistic medicine treats the whole person. Holistic medicine looks at the patient as a whole rather than just focusing on one aspect of his/her health.
Traditional medicine treats only a few organs or system (such as the mind), while holistic medicine addresses all aspects of the human body. It also examines the effects of lifestyle choices on overall wellbeing.
What is the Difference between Naturopathic and Holistic Medicines?
The two main types of medicine are conventional medicine and complementary/alternative medicine. Conventional medicine relies on drugs or surgery for its primary treatments. Complementary/Alternative Medicine (CAM) uses natural therapies such as herbs, vitamins, acupuncture, and massage to treat illness and promote health. CAM is not meant to replace conventional treatment, but to help patients who are able to choose what is best for them.
Naturopathy, on the other hand is used to supplement conventional medical practices. It treats the whole person, including mind and soul. There are many different forms of naturopathy, including Chinese Medicine, Ayurveda, Traditional Native American Medicine, and Functional Medicine.
It is important to note that some CAM modalities overlap with conventional medicine. Naturopaths and doctors can prescribe herbal remedies. However, naturopaths emphasize lifestyle changes more than prescription drugs.
Naturopathy is often called “complementary” because it complements conventional medicine, not supplants it. Naturopaths could prescribe medication, if needed.
There are differences between naturopathic medicines and other CAM modalities.
- Naturopaths are not qualified to prescribe or diagnose medication.
- Naturopaths may work alongside the patient’s family doctor and may refer patients to specialists if needed.
- Naturopathic physicians must be licensed by their provinces. CAM practitioners need to be self-regulated.
- Naturopathy emphasizes prevention and well-being while also educating about diet and exercise.
- Naturopaths emphasize the importance of lifestyle factors such as nutrition, sleep, stress management and exercise.
- Naturopharmacists focus on the use of minerals and botanicals to treat certain conditions.
- Naturopodists receive individualized care according to the unique needs of each patient.
- The College of Naturopathic Physicians of Ontario is responsible for licensing Naturopaths.
- The provincial regulatory bodies issue licenses to naturopatrists.
- The Canadian Association of Naturopathic Doctors has registered Naturopaticians.
- The College of Naturopaths of British Columbia issues licenses to Naturotherapists.
- The United States National Board of Medical Examiners has licensed Naturobiotic Therapists.
- The Australian Health Practitioner Regulation Agency grants licenses to homeopaths.
- The belief that all aspects should be considered in making health decisions is called “holistic”. Holistic doctors will consider these elements together instead of focusing only on one aspect.
What are the five domains of integrative medical care?
Mind-body, nutrition and social determinants are the five domains of integrative medical. Lifestyle, prevention, and lifestyle are all included. These five areas are concerned with all aspects, including the physical, mental and spiritual well-being.
Integrative medicine seeks to address all aspects of health and wellness. It can include conventional medical treatments, as well as complementary therapies, such as acupuncture or yoga, meditation, massage therapy and herbal medicine.
Why is holistic medicine so much better?
Holistic health care is about treating the whole person, not individual symptoms. Holistic health care focuses on how people feel, how they eat, where they live and how stressed they are.
Holistic medicine is holistic and considers all aspects a patient’s lives. It treats them all as one complete package. It may sound simple, but in practice, this approach is very difficult to achieve because most doctors focus solely on the physical side of patients.
Can a holistic doctor write prescriptions?
Holistic medicine is based on the premise that all diseases are caused by a combination of factors, including diet, lifestyle, environment, stress, emotional state, genetics, and other health-related problems.
This is a comprehensive approach to treating patients.
Understanding how each factor affects patients is essential for a physician to be able understand modern science as well as traditional methods such homeopathy and herbs.
Many doctors are certified to practice complementary and alternative medicine (C&A). This allows them the ability to offer a wide variety of services to their clients.
Alternative methods are used by people with cancer.
Patients with cancer face many difficulties when trying to manage their illness. Many patients feel defeated and hopeless. Patients might experience nausea, pain or fatigue, as well as loss of strength and appetite.
Additionally, many conventional treatments do not work against cancer cells. Therefore, cancer patients seek other therapies, such as complementary medicine. Studies show that almost half of them use alternative medicines at least once during treatment.
Patients with cancer may choose to receive complementary medicine rather than chemotherapy. They believe that it is easier to manage side effects. They might also prefer it for its lower cost.
Other reasons include the following:
Some patients believe that natural remedies can help prevent a recurrence.
Many people believe that natural remedies can improve the quality of life.
Others believe that natural remedies can reduce the risk of getting cancer again.
People who are worried about side effects of chemotherapy should consider natural remedies for first-line treatment.
Statistics
- The use of alternative medicine in the US has increased, with a 50 percent increase in expenditures and a 25 percent increase in the use of alternative therapies between 1990 and 1997 in America. (en.wikipedia.org)
- According to the World Health Organization, 80% of people use herbal medicine worldwide. (webmd.com)
- In the 17% in which they disagreed, a third reader agreed with one of the initial readers to set a rating. (en.wikipedia.org)
- In 83% of the cases, the readers agreed. (en.wikipedia.org)
- The concept of regression toward the mean implies that an extreme result is more likely to be followed by a less extreme result. (en.wikipedia.org)
External Links
webmd.com
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
- BIOFEEDBACK TRAINING and TENSION-TYPE HeADACHE – PubMed
- PubMed. The Effect of Foot reflexology on Hospital Anxiety, Depression and Suffering in Older Women: A Randomized Controlled Test – PubMed
liebertpub.com
nccih.nih.gov
How To
What are the qualities of a qualified holistic physician?
How can you find a qualified doctor who is skilled in holistic medicine?
The best doctors are those who specialize in the field they practice. This is holistic medicine. This means that doctors must know how to treat their patients holistically, which includes treating them as a whole person rather than just their symptoms. They should understand holistic health and why you want to see a holistic doctor.
In addition to knowing about holistic health, the doctor should have a strong understanding of complementary and alternative therapies (CAM), such as acupuncture, chiropractic care, massage therapy, and yoga.
Holistic health professionals should be able diagnose your condition and present the various treatment options to help you make informed decisions about your treatment options.
Also, ask if the doctor holds certifications from professional associations such as the American Holistic Medical Association and the National Certification Board for Therapeutic Massage & Bodywork. The NBOHMCA provides certification in many areas, including naturopathic medicine, acupuncture, homeopathy, clinical nutrition, herbalism, and aromatherapy.
Our directory can help you find holistic practitioners in your area. If you don’t see a practitioner listed, you might be able to look online for one.
Check with your local hospital to see if they offer holistic health care.
You can also visit your local library for books and resources on holistic health.
–
——————————————————————————————————————————————
This blog is a source of general information and discussion on health and related topics. Information and materials on this blog, on the website, or in any of the connected materials are not intended to replace or used as a substitute for the advice of a medical professional, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog does not represent the application of any nursing, medical or other health professional advice or diagnosis. We are unable to diagnose health conditions, offer second opinions or provide specific treatment recommendations via this blog or on our website.
If you or another person is suffering from a medical issue and you are concerned, consult your doctor or seek out other medical professional treatment as soon as possible. Do not disregard medical advice from a professional or delay seeking it due to information you seen on the blog or website or in any of the linked materials. If you’re experiencing an emergency medical situation, dial 911 or seek emergency medical assistance on the closest phone immediately.
——————————————————————————————————————————————
By: Karoline
Title: Healing From Narcissistic Abuse (Ruthless Lessons, Part 3)
Sourced From: lissarankin.com/healing-from-narcissistic-abuse-ruthless-lessons-part-3/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=healing-from-narcissistic-abuse-ruthless-lessons-part-3
Published Date: Thu, 08 Jun 2023 03:29:17 +0000
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the distinction between holistic medicine and traditional medicines?
Traditional medicine focuses on treating symptoms, while holistic medicine treats the whole person. Holistic medicine looks at the patient as a whole rather than just focusing on one aspect of his/her health.
Traditional medicine treats only a few organs or system (such as the mind), while holistic medicine addresses all aspects of the human body. It also examines the effects of lifestyle choices on overall wellbeing.
What is the Difference between Naturopathic and Holistic Medicines?
The two main types of medicine are conventional medicine and complementary/alternative medicine. Conventional medicine relies on drugs or surgery for its primary treatments. Complementary/Alternative Medicine (CAM) uses natural therapies such as herbs, vitamins, acupuncture, and massage to treat illness and promote health. CAM is not meant to replace conventional treatment, but to help patients who are able to choose what is best for them.
Naturopathy, on the other hand is used to supplement conventional medical practices. It treats the whole person, including mind and soul. There are many different forms of naturopathy, including Chinese Medicine, Ayurveda, Traditional Native American Medicine, and Functional Medicine.
It is important to note that some CAM modalities overlap with conventional medicine. Naturopaths and doctors can prescribe herbal remedies. However, naturopaths emphasize lifestyle changes more than prescription drugs.
Naturopathy is often called “complementary” because it complements conventional medicine, not supplants it. Naturopaths could prescribe medication, if needed.
There are differences between naturopathic medicines and other CAM modalities.
- Naturopaths are not qualified to prescribe or diagnose medication.
- Naturopaths may work alongside the patient’s family doctor and may refer patients to specialists if needed.
- Naturopathic physicians must be licensed by their provinces. CAM practitioners need to be self-regulated.
- Naturopathy emphasizes prevention and well-being while also educating about diet and exercise.
- Naturopaths emphasize the importance of lifestyle factors such as nutrition, sleep, stress management and exercise.
- Naturopharmacists focus on the use of minerals and botanicals to treat certain conditions.
- Naturopodists receive individualized care according to the unique needs of each patient.
- The College of Naturopathic Physicians of Ontario is responsible for licensing Naturopaths.
- The provincial regulatory bodies issue licenses to naturopatrists.
- The Canadian Association of Naturopathic Doctors has registered Naturopaticians.
- The College of Naturopaths of British Columbia issues licenses to Naturotherapists.
- The United States National Board of Medical Examiners has licensed Naturobiotic Therapists.
- The Australian Health Practitioner Regulation Agency grants licenses to homeopaths.
- The belief that all aspects should be considered in making health decisions is called “holistic”. Holistic doctors will consider these elements together instead of focusing only on one aspect.
What are the five domains of integrative medical care?
Mind-body, nutrition and social determinants are the five domains of integrative medical. Lifestyle, prevention, and lifestyle are all included. These five areas are concerned with all aspects, including the physical, mental and spiritual well-being.
Integrative medicine seeks to address all aspects of health and wellness. It can include conventional medical treatments, as well as complementary therapies, such as acupuncture or yoga, meditation, massage therapy and herbal medicine.
Why is holistic medicine so much better?
Holistic health care is about treating the whole person, not individual symptoms. Holistic health care focuses on how people feel, how they eat, where they live and how stressed they are.
Holistic medicine is holistic and considers all aspects a patient’s lives. It treats them all as one complete package. It may sound simple, but in practice, this approach is very difficult to achieve because most doctors focus solely on the physical side of patients.
Can a holistic doctor write prescriptions?
Holistic medicine is based on the premise that all diseases are caused by a combination of factors, including diet, lifestyle, environment, stress, emotional state, genetics, and other health-related problems.
This is a comprehensive approach to treating patients.
Understanding how each factor affects patients is essential for a physician to be able understand modern science as well as traditional methods such homeopathy and herbs.
Many doctors are certified to practice complementary and alternative medicine (C&A). This allows them the ability to offer a wide variety of services to their clients.
Alternative methods are used by people with cancer.
Patients with cancer face many difficulties when trying to manage their illness. Many patients feel defeated and hopeless. Patients might experience nausea, pain or fatigue, as well as loss of strength and appetite.
Additionally, many conventional treatments do not work against cancer cells. Therefore, cancer patients seek other therapies, such as complementary medicine. Studies show that almost half of them use alternative medicines at least once during treatment.
Patients with cancer may choose to receive complementary medicine rather than chemotherapy. They believe that it is easier to manage side effects. They might also prefer it for its lower cost.
Other reasons include the following:
Some patients believe that natural remedies can help prevent a recurrence.
Many people believe that natural remedies can improve the quality of life.
Others believe that natural remedies can reduce the risk of getting cancer again.
People who are worried about side effects of chemotherapy should consider natural remedies for first-line treatment.
Statistics
- The use of alternative medicine in the US has increased, with a 50 percent increase in expenditures and a 25 percent increase in the use of alternative therapies between 1990 and 1997 in America. (en.wikipedia.org)
- According to the World Health Organization, 80% of people use herbal medicine worldwide. (webmd.com)
- In the 17% in which they disagreed, a third reader agreed with one of the initial readers to set a rating. (en.wikipedia.org)
- In 83% of the cases, the readers agreed. (en.wikipedia.org)
- The concept of regression toward the mean implies that an extreme result is more likely to be followed by a less extreme result. (en.wikipedia.org)
External Links
webmd.com
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
- BIOFEEDBACK TRAINING and TENSION-TYPE HeADACHE – PubMed
- PubMed. The Effect of Foot reflexology on Hospital Anxiety, Depression and Suffering in Older Women: A Randomized Controlled Test – PubMed
liebertpub.com
nccih.nih.gov
How To
What are the qualities of a qualified holistic physician?
How can you find a qualified doctor who is skilled in holistic medicine?
The best doctors are those who specialize in the field they practice. This is holistic medicine. This means that doctors must know how to treat their patients holistically, which includes treating them as a whole person rather than just their symptoms. They should understand holistic health and why you want to see a holistic doctor.
In addition to knowing about holistic health, the doctor should have a strong understanding of complementary and alternative therapies (CAM), such as acupuncture, chiropractic care, massage therapy, and yoga.
Holistic health professionals should be able diagnose your condition and present the various treatment options to help you make informed decisions about your treatment options.
Also, ask if the doctor holds certifications from professional associations such as the American Holistic Medical Association and the National Certification Board for Therapeutic Massage & Bodywork. The NBOHMCA provides certification in many areas, including naturopathic medicine, acupuncture, homeopathy, clinical nutrition, herbalism, and aromatherapy.
Our directory can help you find holistic practitioners in your area. If you don’t see a practitioner listed, you might be able to look online for one.
Check with your local hospital to see if they offer holistic health care.
You can also visit your local library for books and resources on holistic health.
Leave a Reply