Taking Off The Rose Colored Glasses: Ruthless Lessons Part 2

As part of my therapy, my therapist taught me “ruthless lesson” because I was naive and lacked street-smarts. I couldn’t identify a cunning person who would manipulate or exploit others because my rose-colored glasses and trauma informed compassion gave everyone a benefit of doubt and painted even the most ruthless individuals in a positive light. She told me that I had to learn about ruthlessness in order to protect myself. I did not want to learn these lessons. The word “ruthless” was so judgmental and insulting that I did not like it. Now I realize that some people have ruthless parts of their body and are not interested in healing them. We should avoid them.

I am preparing the curriculum of my upcoming course Becoming Unf*ckwithable. As part my preparation, I have been listening to the Navigating Narcissism Podcast with Dr. Ramini. The podcast helps to unpack the patterns that narcissism shows up in different types of relationships, such as romantic partners, bosses and best friends, parents and siblings. I have been taking Cliff Notes while I listen. I also shared some of these Cliff Notes with you in Taking Off The Rose Colored Glasses Part 1: Ruthless lessons.

In Part 1, I discussed some red flags you should be aware of, such as love bombing, data-mining to track your fears, likes, dislikes and confessions; fast-forwarding commitment and dependency by putting urgency on entitled demands; weaponizing empathy and your tendency to forgive; future faking, shifting blame when they have screwed you up and grooming you to a trauma bond to make you more easily controlled and manipulated. In Part 2, Dr. Ramani will be credited with some additional Cliff Notes.

You’re not invulnerable if you are taught to watch out for ruthless individuals who come into your life. They can be seductive, convincing and anyone can fall victim. Knowing what to watch out for can make you more unf*ckable. With this knowledge, you’ll be better equipped to spot danger and protect yourself faster.

Teach your teens these lessons as well! It’s not too late for me to learn these lessons.

1. 
   Beware of Empaths
   

Narcissists like empathic individuals who are compassionate and do not hold them accountable when they behave badly. They weaponize empathy. Just like a thief will use a crack to steal your blinds. They exploit your most generous sides.

Many survivors of narcissistic violence try to show empathy for the abuser by reflecting on their own mistakes or the things they did that triggered the abuse. This “turning back the finger on yourself” behavior is common among religious people. Jesus said, “He who has no sin among you let him throw the first stone at that woman.” Unfortunately, survivors often take this to heart, and see their own past as equal to the abusive behavior of the narcissistic individual. The survivors will not cast stones when it is appropriate because there are small white lies and BIG GLARING abuse “sins”. I am not perfect, and would never want anyone to criticize me for my imperfections. “I should forgive this person and let them off the hook.”

The survivor’s story is not on the same level as the exploitative, controlling, and dominating con artistry that a narcissist exhibits. We may not be firm enough with our boundaries, or we might fail to hold people accountable, or we might fail to end a relationship, if we show too much compassion to someone who displays a lot red flags.

2. 
   You’re losing your self-esteem.
   

If you are confident, have friends and the ability to care for yourself, it is impossible to control you. In order to control you effectively, after the love-bombing, you will be scrutinized, denigrated, and infected by their shame. Your achievements are undervalued. After being lifted up you are then brought down, causing you to question and doubt yourself.

3. 
   Gaslighting
   

You are made to feel like a mental unstable person when you protest abuse or control. You are denied your reality until you begin to doubt yourself. You become very confused, and it’s hard to tell what is real. When caught, people lie even more.

Gaslighting can be avoided by having at least another person to validate your reality. Isolating you will help control you. When someone validates your reality, and invalidates their gaslighting they will usually turn against the person who validates your reality. They then try to turn you on that person. It’s harder to control you if you can break free of isolation.

Isolation is conducive to coercive control. Narcissistic relationships are opaque. They’re shady. If you ask for a straight answer, you will only be given more lies and gaslighting. This is confusing and disorienting. You may be forced to do things which cause you betray yourself or others you care about. You keep secrets from the narcissists because you are ashamed of what you have done, or embarassed that you were conned.

4. 
   Smoke & Mirrors
   

Narcissists have the same personality as peacocks. The larger the feathers the less we should trust them. There is a charismatic cult, but not much substance beneath the charisma. Machiavellians, cunning and strategic, they are. They have a high regard for their own self-esteem (which obscures a hidden lack thereof), and show no consideration for others. They are characterized by a delusional, distorted and unjustified sense of self-confidence.

They can’t work with others. Dr. Ramani also said, “Narcissistic relationship are solo acts.” Everyone else is at best a backup singer. Narcissistic leadership can be visionary and motivating. But they lack empathy and lack pragmatism. They can also be paranoid. They won’t listen or trust good managers. They can be charismatic, visionary leaders because of their charisma. The daily grind of running a company or raising a child is something charisma cannot handle. The drudgery cuts through the grandiosity.

They rarely partner with pragmatic leaders to be successful. They work with enablers that don’t question them or challenge their bad decisions. The enablers make the narcissistic person succeed. But when they stop enabling them, their lack of substance is revealed.

5. 
   Hope can be kryptonite to someone who has been traumatized by a narcissist.
   

Dr. Ramani states that “Hope” is a four-letter word in narcissistic relationship.

You feel the sun shining on you when the narcissist plays their best game. The manipulation tactic to remove the sun intermittently makes you chase after the unicorn. Trauma bonds are formed by the back and forth between excitement and devastation, and the hope that comes with the occasional glimpse of the sun.

Wishful thinking can lead to utter destruction. There’s also “loss avoidance,” a refusal to accept the truth of what was already lost. This is not always financial, but it can be. The “sunk costs fallacy” is a result of this. It’s the belief that because you have already invested so much – in time, energy, money, and future promises – you should just keep going. The sunk-cost fallacy leads you to chase the impossible carrot. When dealing with a Narcissist, your losses can be enormous.

6. 
   Forgiveness Grooming
   

Dr. Ramani states that “the benefit of doubt is the best friend of narcissists.” She also talks about forgiveness grooming, when a narcissist tests to see if you will continue to forgive their abusive, exploitative or border crossing behavior. Once they realize forgiveness is an option, all bets will be off.

She said that when forgiveness is done correctly, it means not only empathy but also the person who forgives me is giving me a chance to do and be better. They are not encouraging my abusive behavior. We are not helping people if we show empathy to those who don’t want to improve themselves or be better. We harm them by allowing them to continue abusing them and feeding their narcissism.

It does not necessarily mean that the narcissist will change their behavior. Dr. Ramani states that insight is a booby prize, if not followed by action. We enable narcissists by forgiving a narcissist who is not remorseful or one that practices performative regret without changing their behavior. We can turn God into a facilitator by thinking it is Godly to forgive the perpetrators who have no intention to change and that we must hold out hope of redemption.

Dr. Ramani said, “Forget redemption of the Narcissist. There has already been too much damage. Focus on the redemption and healing of the survivor. She says that forgiveness is the paradox in a narcissistic marriage, which unfortunately is what drives it forward. It hurts you and helps them. The world encourages it. The toxic people keep on doing manipulative, entitled things while the abused feels that they have no right to their triggered emotions, as if it is wrong not to forgive. You forgive and the pattern continues. The toxic nature of a narcissistic relation increases the more you are willing to forgive unforgivable behaviors.

7. 
   Betrayal Trauma
   

The narcissistic partnership is full of betrayals. Betrayal is a part of narcissistic relationships. It can start small, such as humiliating and belittling you in public. The betrayals will increase if you ignore or forgive the trust breaches. Infidelity. You realize that the narcissist withheld important information from you (like an STD, a history or restraining order or jail time). Finding out the information you were given about the narcissist was a lie. (For example, pretending they have a degree in medicine when they have never attended medical school or pretending they have served active duty while they have never been in the military. You discover that you are being watched. You realize that your family and close friends are against you due to the lies told by the narcissist. You being cheated out of money. You become a part of an unethical, or illegal, scam. The IRS shows up at your doorstep after promising to manage your finances. You will be ghosted the moment you stop cooperating with the manipulative agenda of the narcissist. You will be abandoned the moment you stop mirroring and validating the narcissists’ inflated self-image and begin to doubt their goodness or their motives.

8. 
   Blindness to betrayal
   

Betrayed by a narcissistic partner, the betrayal trauma can cause such a breach of trust in your life that it will bring down your entire worldview. This loss of innocence can be a shock to the system. When you discover that your relationship was not as you thought, it can be overwhelming. It can cause “betrayal-blindness,” where you don’t feel the emotions that should accompany betrayal, such as anger, outrage or sadness. You might feel affection for your abuser and even “fawn”, or defend, your betrayer, in a Stockholm Syndrome-like way. Stockholm syndrome is a survival technique that some kidnapping victim’s use to save themselves. Betrayal Blindness is a powerful tool to keep us from being emotionally overwhelmed by the truth. It is easier to remain in fantasy and believe the narcissists’ gaslighting lies, or defend reactions to being caught up in betrayal rather than deal with intense emotions. Fawn stress is a common severe response in those who have complex PTSD due to narcissistic abusive behavior. It can be confusing for others, who may not understand why someone would still be attached to someone that has done horrible things.

9. 
   Beware “chemistry”
   

Dr. Ramani believes that chemistry can be a dangerous term when it comes narcissistic relationship. Despite the fact that everyone is taught to search for it, chemistry remains an unnamed and indescribable quality which intoxicates and hooks us. Chemistry is not grounded like other qualities that could indicate a healthy, empathic relationship such as kindness, respect or compassion. Chemistry can be a reflection of familiarity, a misinterpretation of what is meant by strength, safety, or connection in society or the opportunity to resolve a previous unresolved issue. Because chemistry is so fleeting, it can lead people into dangerous or tricky situations.

10. 
    Inverted moral compass
    

Narcissistic people will do anything to satisfy their own needs and agendas. This includes forcing you to violate your values. In return for their betrayal, they expect that you will betray other people. They will launch a smear to make you avoid anyone they think is a threat. This could be your kids, best friend, business partner or parent of your child. They will try to get you to betray and abandon your loved ones to avoid anyone who might compete for your attention, or influence you to leave them. They don’t respect your other relationships or allow you to defend other people that are important to your life. Instead, they give you an ultimatum: “It is him or me”. When you choose to betray the narcissist you may also violate your own ethical standards.

They will use manipulation, gaslighting and strategic moralizing to convince you to do whatever they want. If you don’t want to marry someone within two months after meeting them, they may use the card “We cannot violate our morals if we live in sin”, and convince you that it is immoral to not get married immediately. They will tell you it is immoral to keep money for yourself, and that you should donate your money to a “good cause”. This is done to confuse your moral compass. You may even end up doing something illegal because you’ve been convinced that the ends justify means, even if you wind up in jail.

11. 
    You will not be able to please everyone
    

Beautiful, prosocial parts of ourselves that are able to accommodate those parts of us who want to please other people make us more likeable and make us appear to be nicer to others. They also help us to make friends, find partners and feel a sense belonging. People who are ruthless can use those parts of you that like to please others. We should save our pleasing instincts for those who reciprocate, care about us and are trustworthy.

In Becoming Unf*ckwithable I will share more tips on protecting yourself, having your back, using IFS-informed boundary, and spotting safer relationships.