The Anatomy of Trust

We can’t protect ourselves without understanding trust

As I prepare curriculum for my class, Becoming Unf*ckwithable I began to muse about what it takes to be vulnerable, yet protected against those who may wish to harm us. And whenever I think about strength and vulnerability in the same sentence I think of Brene and her research on what makes people “wholehearted”. Her findings led her to a surprising conclusion: the people with the strongest boundaries are the ones most generous, loving, and open-hearted. It took me many years to realize that.

This research made no sense until I started to trust the wrong people and stopped trusting the correct ones. Now it all makes sense. We must screen out toxic people and only allow trustworthy people to be in our inner circle to keep our hearts safe. It is masochism to keep our hearts open around untrustworthy people. We then lose confidence in ourselves. To be compassionate and kind to ourselves, it is important to only share our sweetest, most vulnerable parts with those who are able to handle them with care and safety.

How can we achieve this? How do we go about it?

In order to prepare for the section on trust in the Becoming Unf*ckwithable course, I listened to Brene’s Super Soul Session entitled “The Anatomy of Trust”, took notes and pulled some quotes I found so helpful. I will be diving deeper into the topics of trusting people, spotting red flags, knowing when to let down your guard, and setting boundaries with people you can’t trust.

Early bird registration ends on Memorial Day. Learn more about Becoming Unf*ckwithable and register here

I’ll share with you the essence of what Brene said, but please watch the video and show it to teens and clients. This is important information and can be a powerful antidote for those who are recovering from spiritual bypassing. It can help you protect yourself and discern who to trust and who not to.

Brene started by quoting Charles Feltman’s definition of trust, the author of The Thin Book of Trust. “Trust is allowing something that’s important to you to be vulnerable to someone else’s actions.” According to Feldman, distrust is when I share with you what is important to me and it isn’t safe with you.

She compared trust in a relation to a jar full of marbles. We put marbles into a jar whenever we express something vulnerable. We lose marbles when they fail to keep us safe during these moments. The “Marble Jar Friends,” or those who have a lot in their jar, are built on small moments of trust, such as when we attend a funeral for a friend. When we know someone may need us, it’s a chance to build trust. But there is also a chance to betray.

BRAVING

What is trust? She boiled down her research to an acronym: BRAVING. We are only able to connect with someone when we have faith.

BOUNDARIES – Boundaries play a vital role in building trust. You can only be trusted if I know your boundaries, you keep them and respect mine. To be able to trust others, we must know our boundaries. We also need to know the boundaries of others in order for us to act in a trustworthy manner. No trust is possible without boundaries.

RELIABILITY – If you promise to do something, but then don’t follow through with it, I can’t trust you. You can only be trusted if you follow through with what you promise. Not just once, but consistently. Reliability is when you keep your word. If you only do what you promise, you will not earn my trust. We must be clear about what we can do and have the resources to do so that we don’t commit ourselves too much. It is better to overpromise than to underdeliver.

ACCOUNTABILITY – Trust is impossible if we cannot both be held accountable for our mistakes. You can only be trusted if you acknowledge my right to feel hurt, accept responsibility for your mistake, apologize, and make amends when you do make one. It has to be reciprocal. You can only have my trust if you give me the opportunity to admit and apologize for any mistakes I may make. You cannot build trust if you expect me not to hold you accountable and do not have a repair conversation or change my behavior. Our relationship is not safe if I expect you let me off the rope time and again without consequences for my bad behavior. No accountability, no trust.

VAULT_ For us to be able to trust each other, we must both know that you will keep the information I share with confidence. I will keep in strict confidence what you share with us. Confidentiality plays a major role. It’s important to know what is public and what is private. We cannot trust each other if anything I tell you ends up on your blog, or in your holiday letter. It’s more than that. We risk losing the trust of others when we gossip. This is true for both the person about whom we are gossiping and the person who we are gossiping. When a friend starts to gossip, they’ve just revealed something that wasn’t theirs. My trust in that person has been completely eroded. We often share things with our friends that we don’t have the right to. Brene refers to this as “common enemy proximity,” where our intimacy is built by talking trash about others. When the intimacy between us is built on hatred of the same people, trust is not possible. The vault is a sign that you not only respect my story but also respect the stories of others.

INTEGRITY I can’t trust you or be in a relationship with you if your actions are not based on integrity. Encourage me to act the same way. She defines integrity by 1) choosing courage above comfort, 2) choosing right over fun, fast or easy, and 3) actually living your values.

NON JUDGMENT – If we use discernment, but refrain from judgment, then I can struggle with you, fall apart and ask for assistance, without feeling judged. And you can struggle with me, fall apart and ask for assistance, without feeling judged. It’s hard because we are better at giving help than asking for it. We might believe that we have built trusting relationships because we are always available to help people. If you cannot ask for help and the other person can’t do the same, then that’s not a relationship of trust. If we give less value to the need for help, then when you help someone, you also think less about them. You can’t judge yourself for needing assistance and not judge others who need your help. While you may be gaining value from being the one to help in the relationship you could also be reducing the person that you are helping. You may judge the other person as weaker if you believe that being the helper makes you valuable. Real trust is not possible unless the helper does not judge.

GENEROSITY – You can only trust me if you are generous with my words, actions, and intentions. Check in with me. If I mess up, forget something or say something that upsets you, then if you trust me, you’ll make a generous assumption. But if you are not happy, you can speak out. Instead of not responding to emails, not returning phone calls, or holding grudges, and ghosting someone, and waiting for you to make a negative interpretation.

Can we trust ourselves?

The BRAVING acronym also works for self-trust. If we are unsure of ourselves, perhaps we have failed in something, or we have hurt ourselves or others and are evaluating our actions, we can ask: “Did i honor my boundaries?” Was I reliable? Am I reliable? Was I accountable to myself? Did I protect my stories properly? Was I true to myself? Was I judgemental towards myself? Do I believe in myself? “Am I being generous with myself?”

Brene concluded by saying: “If trusting yourself is a form of self-love, then braving other people’s relationships is a form of braving connection. Self-respect is the most adventurous thing we will ever do in our lives. When you think of trust, I invite you to consider that if your marble jar isn’t full, if it’s not filled, you cannot ask others to give you something you lack. We must start by trusting ourselves.

Maya Angelou said, “I do not trust people who say they love you but don’t really love themselves.”

She quoted an African proverb to say that. “Beware of the naked man who offers you a shirt.” So, when you are struggling with trust issues, you should first examine your marble jar and how you treat yourself. We can’t expect people to give us anything we don’t believe we deserve. You will know that you are worthy when you put yourself first.

The Road To Self-Trust

I believe that Internal Family Systems can be a great help in this situation. We can’t build trust with others if our “parts”, or “Self”, don’t believe in us. When we repair the disconnections, and the divine Self within earns our parts’ trust, we can rebuild self-trust. This is the foundation of everything worthwhile in this life.

The only way to truly protect yourself, be “unf*ckable”, and stand up for your rights and those of others is by being able to do so with safety and kindness.

Early bird pricing for the online course Becoming Unf*ckwithable expires on May 28. Sign up today if you’re feeling called to join us.

The Anatomy of Trust was first published by Lissa Rankin.

Frequently Asked Questions

What does holistic mean to you?

Holistic means whole-based. Holistic means to see the whole picture and not just a part. This isn’t always possible because we tend not to see things as a whole.

Most people think only in terms of white and black. In reality, there are infinite shades of grey.

So, when working on a project, try to see everything from different angles. It is important to see it from all angles.

Try to understand how it fits together as a whole. Is there a way for its elements to interact?

Ask yourself why you are having trouble with a particular element. Don’t forget about the effects of any change that you make.

What is the difference between holistic medicine and traditional medicine?

Traditional medicine concentrates on the treatment of symptoms, while holistic medicine addresses the entire person. Holistic medicine is holistic and does not focus on any one aspect of the patient’s/her health.

Traditional medicine treats specific organs and systems, such as the brain. Holistic medicine examines the whole body from the inside. It also considers how lifestyle choices can affect overall wellness.

Is holistic medicine legitimate?

Yes and no. Yes. Because many medicines have been proved effective against different diseases. They won’t cure everyone. It depends on what you mean by “holistic.” If it means taking into account all aspects of an individual’s health, then yes, but if it just means using natural remedies over chemical ones then no.

Some believe that holistic medicine is a newer form of medicine. This is simply not true. Although natural remedies were used by some healers in ancient Egypt and Rome, they were not scientifically backed.

It was not until the Middle Ages when medical practitioners began to study anatomy & physiology. This led directly to the development surgery, obstetrics, pharmacology, and a host of other medical specialties. The majority of Western countries had built public hospitals by the 19th century that allowed trained doctors to offer medical care.

Today, traditional medicine is the predominant form of healthcare. Many people still prefer alternative and complementary medicine. Many people find it more effective than prescription drugs.

Some people are more comfortable receiving massage therapy than taking tranquilizers. Some prefer to eat healthy food over taking prescription medication. Some people find that exercising regularly is beneficial for their bodies.

What is Alternative Medicine?

This is a holistic approach to healing that emphasizes prevention over treatment. It encourages people become educated consumers who are actively involved in improving their overall health and well-being.

Alternative medicine refers generally to any form of diagnosis or treatment that does away with allopathic (conventional), medical approaches.

What are the 5 domains that make up integrative medicine (IM)?

The five domains of integrative medicine include mind-body, nutrition, social determinants, lifestyle, and prevention. These five areas include all aspects health care including mental, spiritual, as well as environmental well-being.

Integrative medicine offers a comprehensive approach for addressing your overall health, well-being, and treatment of diseases. It encompasses both conventional medical treatments as well as complementary therapies like acupuncture and yoga, meditation and massage therapy.

What is the difference between alternative medicine, complementary medicine and other medicine?

Alternative medicine refers only to treatment methods that are not recommended by mainstream doctors but have been proven to provide beneficial results for certain conditions. You can find examples of acupuncture as homeopathy, aromatherapy or reflexology, traditional Chinese medicine (TCM), Ayurveda, and even naturopathy. Complementary Medicines are treatments that add to the treatment of conventional medicine. They may also be used in combination with it. These include supplements like vitamins, minerals, herbs and amino acids as well probiotics and other natural substances.

Both forms of medicine may be used. However, most conventional doctors will not recommend them due either to insufficient evidence nor safety concerns.

There is no consensus among health care providers regarding the best approach to integrating CAM into patient care.

Many CAM techniques are based in theories that have been around since thousands of years. However, clinical trials over the past 20 years suggest that some of these therapies might work.

Numerous studies have shown that acupuncture can relieve pain. Similar to chemotherapy, preliminary data suggest that acupuncture can reduce nausea or vomiting. Other studies suggest that acupuncture may improve symptoms related to irritable bowel syndrome, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, multiple sclerosis, migraines, tension headaches, depression, anxiety, and insomnia.

Some CAM techniques may also be beneficial in treating diseases like HIV/AIDS (AIDS), diabetes, heart disease and hypertension.

While there are still questions about the effectiveness of CAM in treating different ailments, most experts agree it is possible.

As a consequence, more people turn to CAM practitioners for relief of common illnesses.

Despite this popularity, many people still have questions about “alternatives” and “complementary” medicine.

What is the opposite of holistic medicine?

Holistic medicine is an approach to health care that considers all aspects of the human body and its emotional, social, spiritual, and environmental dimensions. It recognizes that each illness must have multiple causes, and therefore requires a combination or several treatments to be most effective.

Holistic medicine physicians believe prevention is better then cure. They are able to work closely with patients in order to ensure optimal wellness.

They seek to identify underlying causes of disease and prevent it from recurring. Holistic doctors consider the whole body and not just the individual organs. Holistic physicians often refer to the whole being as “the Body”.

This means that they go beyond skin care and treat the entire body holistically. The doctor may suggest lifestyle and diet changes. He might also recommend yoga or meditation, herbal supplements, massages, acupuncture, chiropractic care, or other forms alternative medicine.

Statistics

The concept of regression toward the mean implies that an extreme result is more likely to be followed by a less extreme result. (en.wikipedia.org)
An assessment of conventional treatments found that 41.3% concluded positive or possibly positive effects, 20% concluded no effect, 8.1% concluded net harmful effects, and 21.3% concluded insufficient evidence. (en.wikipedia.org)
According to a 2005 book by a US [116]Institute of Medicine panel, the number of RCTs focused on CAM has risen dramatically. (en.wikipedia.org)
category.[111]Edzard Ernst characterized the evidence for many alternative techniques as weak, nonexistent, or negative and in 2011, published his estimate that about 7.4% were based on “sound evidence.” However, he believes that may be an overestimate. (en.wikipedia.org)
These studies found that 38.4% concluded positive or possibly positive effects for CAM (12.4%), 4.8% concluded no effect, 0.7% concluded harmful effects, and 56.6% concluded insufficient evidence. (en.wikipedia.org)

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What are the different types of alternative and complementary medicine?

There are four major types of CAM: mind-body medicine (natural products), manipulative therapies (energy healing), and manipulative therapies (natural products). Mind-body Medicine includes Tai Chi, Reiki (tai chi), yoga, massage therapy, homeopathy and aromatherapy. Natural products include herbs, vitamins, minerals, dietary supplements, and botanicals. Manipulative treatments include physical manipulations, including acupuncture, chiropractic, and osteopathic treatment. Prayer and visualization are some of the techniques used for energy healing.

CAM can be used to describe a range of alternative health practices, which are not part of the traditional Western medical model. There are many differences in the scientific support for these practices, including whether they involve drugs and surgery, as well as which conditions they treat. Some CAM practitioners can also do diagnostic testing (e.g., blood test) and prescribe medication. Some do both.

There are many subcategories that fall within each of these categories. There are many subcategories within mind-body medicines, such as relaxation techniques and mindfulness training. Natural products include nutritional supplements as well botanical medicines, homeopathic treatments, essential oils and herbal preparations. Manual, movement, manipulation, electrotherapies and soft tissue mobilization are some of the manipulative therapies. There are spiritual healing modalities such as prayer and faith healing within energy healing.

Many CAM therapies treat symptoms, but not the cause. Some chronic diseases might be relieved by CAM. If used correctly, CAM may be a complement to conventional treatments.

There are many different reasons people use the CAM.

To improve their overall wellbeing.
To manage a particular condition.
To relieve pain or discomfort.
To prevent illness.
To promote wellness.
To address a personal belief.

Some people turn to CAM because it offers more control over their health than conventional medicine. They might believe there are fewer side-effects. Some choose CAM because they don’t have to take prescription medication. Some people prefer not to use pharmaceuticals. Others still seek out CAM, even though they’ve had bad experiences in conventional medicine.

People who use CAM often say that they want to know the basics of what they are doing before trying anything new. Many CAM users want to know more about the safety of CAM. Others rely on friends and family for word of mouth.

Although CAM is sometimes viewed negatively in society, many users have positive feelings about it. People who use CAM are generally happier and healthier than people who don’t. This is true regardless age, gender and race.

The majority of Americans use some form of complementary and alternative medicine. 95% of adults have used CAM at some point in their lives. The National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health, NCCIH, estimates that approximately 40 million people visited CAM providers in 2010.

The NCCIH estimates that 10 percent of the U.S. population uses chiropractors, massage therapists, acupuncturists, naturopaths, and/or osteopaths.3 By comparison, only 2 percent of the population uses medical doctors.

The American Medical Association has reaffirmed its support to integrative medicine in 2013, It acknowledged that integrative medicine should be integrated into the clinical practice of physicians to best meet the needs and expectations of patients.

The Institute of Medicine published a landmark 2007 report called “Relating Constraints” that concluded that there was no evidence to support the claim that any particular CAM intervention can prevent, treat, cure, or cure cancer.

CAM continues its popularity despite the fact that it has been proven to be very popular. The number of CAM practitioners grew by 8 percent in 2008 compared to 2007.

A recent study revealed that almost half of respondents use CAM as partof their primary healthcare regime.

CAM therapies can include natural products, mind/body practices, manipulative methods, energy healing techniques, exercise, dietary supplementation, and other approaches.

Many CAM therapies are used primarily for pain relief; however, many also offer other benefits, such as relaxation, improved mood, better sleep, reduced stress, and enhanced immunity.

Acupuncture is a treatment that can reduce chronic back pain, anxiety, depression and improve the immune system, promote weightloss, and improve menstrual symptoms.

Many CAM treatments draw on Ayurvedic and Chinese traditional medicine. These roots can be traced back thousands of decades.

Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), a form of Traditional Chinese Medicine, was first practiced in China over 5,000 year ago.

TCM has remained an important component in health care even though it was not until the middle of 1800s that Western science became popular.

TCM is used for treatment by more than 70% of Americans today.

Yoga is another CAM therapy that is very popular. Yoga originated in India around 5000 B.C. It is now accepted all over the world.

Yoga has gained popularity due to its physical, mental, as well as spiritual benefits.

Yoga can be used to reduce stress, improve flexibility, increase strength and help with blood pressure.

Although there isn’t much scientific research on yoga, it appears that it has positive effects on sleep33. Yoga may be beneficial for people with insomnia.

Other CAM therapies like aromatherapy, homeopathy, meditation, and/or homeopathy are also becoming accepted in mainstream medicine.

One of the most common types of CAM used today is herbal medicine.

Herbal medicines include herbs, spices and flowers, seeds, fruits and mushrooms, bark, leaves roots, stems, and bark.

They are often considered safer alternatives to pharmaceutical drugs and are widely used by consumers.

The U.S. National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health estimates that about 90 million Americans use some form of complementary/alternative medicine.

According to the American Cancer Society 45% of adults with cancer used alternative medicine during their illness.

The National Institutes of Health estimates 60% of cancer patients use CAM. Meanwhile, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports approximately 50% of all cancer survivors report using CAM.

A recent study found that 51% of patients with cancer used at least one type or another of CAM.

However, only 8.8% of them discussed it with their physicians.

This lack of communication between conventional medical providers and CAM users represents a significant gap in healthcare delivery.

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