We Know The Red Flags Of Unhealthy Relationships, But What Are The Green Flags Of Healthy Ones?

There has been a national revival in public discourse on malignant narcissism since the Trump era. Many of us have removed our rose-colored glasses and spiritual bypassing to see the dangers of trying relationships with people who are very mixed with narcissists. We have learned to recognize the signs of lying, gaslighting, entitlement and self-confident grandiosity disguised as “I’m so Spiritual” and other forms of arrogance, bragging, and undermining others. We can now spot love bombing and recognize flattery as different from genuine affection. This is because someone cares about you as a person. We can see how narcissists seduce those they think are better than them and condescend to others who are less than them (for example, treating waiters like “the help” while flattering the boss.

We are beginning to see how everything is just a transaction for people who are lured into borderless pairings. One person might use the other to have financial stability, or to have a trophy wife, or husband. The other person might use the other as Mommy and expect to get the booby bars whenever they like, without offering any emotional or nurturing reciprocity. We know that people who are narcissists can’t or won’t be sorry unless it is part of the manipulation to get them back. It is always your fault. It doesn’t matter if the other person does the bad thing. You can’t deliver your protest on time or take responsibility for the way you did it. Or you can be thankful to the person who mistreated you. They’re helping you grow spiritually and allowing you to reincarnate. Can we laugh a little? They’re still doing the same hurtful things you protested and they aren’t capable to offer a sincere apology or confession of wrongdoing for real repair.

We have learned that malignant narcissists are often more inclined to be empathic or helper roles. They also tend to lack empathy. We can’t imagine them being cruel or heartless. Because we care about others and assume that everyone else does, we tend not to give these people enough credit. This is because we believe in their inherent goodness. Deep down, each of us has an inner essence of goodness we call “Self” IFS.

Some people lack Self-leadership and aren’t working on their narcissist aspects in therapy. They’re fully infused with their inflated, grandiose exploitative, deceptive and self-righteous parts. And they don’t have the self-awareness to recognize that their behavior is unkind, hurtful, and unethical. Instead, they will make it about you and blame you, judge you, criticize you and get defensive. They may also withdraw emotionally if you protest their treatment.

We have a lot of psychoeducation on the red flags you should be aware of, thanks to the increase in public discourse. Red flags look just like flags if you have rose-colored glasses.

However, once you get rid of the rose-colored glasses, you may start to feel paranoid and believe there are red flags everywhere. Is there anyone out there who isn’t border wounded? Is it possible to trust someone and be comfortable? Are there any people capable of true love, and not just transactional exploitation?

Paranoia is an normal part of the healing process for those who have lost their trust and are yearning to trust again.

You can reverse paranoia by focusing less on red flags and not ignoring them when they appear. Instead, look for the green signs of a healthy relationship. These are the signs of trustworthiness and emotional health. These are signs that someone is trustworthy and healthy emotionally.

• You ENJOY YOUR PARTNERS MORE THAN YOU DO NOT: Healthy relationships can be restorative and nourishing. They are sanctuaries of laughter, trust and generosity of heart. Healthy relationships can be hard work. They also have their ups and downs. But it wouldn’t be unreasonable to expect the opposite. The joy far outweighs any pain when you look at it. Trauma bonding tends towards drama, chaos and intensity with little sweetness, tenderness and giggles. You’re likely to be in the unhealthy zone if you spend more time processing your feelings or writing about them with your therapist, your friends, or your partner than doing things that you enjoy.
• CAPACITY TO APOLOGY AND REPAIR: We all make mistakes. Healthy people feel regret and remorse. This allows us to open the door to genuine, authentic, vulnerable and heart-opening repairs. While narcissists may appear to be shameless, healthy people feel shame when they hurt you. This shame drives them to apologize and make amends, if necessary. Healthy people are more accepting of mistakes than unhealthy ones. Being right is more important than connection.
• HONESTY & Transparency (WITH BOUNDARIES: In unhealthy relationships lying, withholding and deceit are all common and accepted as normal. Healthy relationships are built on trust, intimacy, and secure attachment. There is no tolerance for lying or withholding information about the most important things. Both parties are not tempted to lie, even though they might be upset if the truth is out. Each party makes an effort to be ethical and to uphold the boundaries that they have agreed to. They don’t want to act in a way that might tempt the other to lie to them. Trust is precious and fragile and if one lies or withholds. It doesn’t mean that people must tell the other everything they think, feel or do. It does mean that, if boundaries aren’t upheld or someone makes a mistake, they must take responsibility, admit the error, and begin rebuilding trust.
• RESPECTABLE VULNERABILITY WITHOUT STRAIGHTSHARING: It is important to earn trust. To generate “drop in intimacy” that’s not safe, narcissists will likely overshare too soon. Healthy people are open to sharing and willing to be vulnerable. However, they won’t overwhelm you with their trauma stories the first time they meet you. They also don’t push you or break your boundaries to force you to share. Brene Brown likens trust in relationships with a jar full of marbles. A new relationship should not be one that gives away a whole jar full of marbles to someone you don’t know. They shouldn’t be expected to earn every. Single. Marble. Marble. In healthy relationships we can give another person the benefit of doubt and give them some marbles as gifts. This is so that we don’t scare away someone who may be trustworthy, or cause them to lose heart because we are constantly testing their trustworthiness in ways which might harm the reasonably trustworthy. We don’t give someone a whole jar without first determining if they are worthy. It’s not kindness or good health to give your trust to someone you don’t trust. It’s masochism. It’s not right to withhold trust from someone trustworthy, and then abusely test them until they give in. There is a middle ground.
• RECIPROCITY of Generosity & NEEDINESS: Healthy relationships allow for mutual give and take but not transactional score-keeping. It is healthy to be dependent on one another, but not in a codependent manner. It’s healthy to give of our resources, wisdom, and gifts to those we love. Although the give-and-take may not be equal, especially if one has more nervous system privilege or less trauma burden, it is generally fair when you look at what each party is getting and giving. Both parties can help financially. Both can give and receive comfort and support when times are difficult. The one person who is emotionally, financially or energetically exhausted can still give and receive comfort. While the other party coasts along on Easy Street, the other person doesn’t have to do all the heavy lifting.
• BOTH PEOPLE PLAY GROWN UP. In unhealthy relationships, one person plays Big Daddy/Big Mommy while another plays Damsel/Dude in Distress who plays a needy little girl/boy. This dynamic means that one person is the stable, invulnerable rock, while the other is the infantilized, and is allowed to indulge in childlike, immature behavior. Healthy relationships will see both the adult and child in Self take turns. Both are allowed to be vulnerable and in need of support at times. However, both parties can “adult” and carry the burden of their responsibilities.
• AFFECTION IS NOT LIKE LOVE BOMBING. When we love someone, it is healthy to show affection, praise, cherish, validate and lift up each other once we have gotten to know them and are able to appreciate what makes them special. This is very different from premature love bombing of flattery. It’s when someone starts talking about you and making you feel inadequate or unloved. Incessant flattery and love bombing are red flags. However, it is also a red signal if someone doesn’t cherish you and shows affection once they know you. If the person you care about, and who is close to you, shows appreciation and cherishes your contributions and reminds why they chose you, it’s a good sign.
• MUTUAL WILLINGNESS to MAKE SACRIFICES – In unhealthy relationships, one party is usually the one doing all of the martyring. However, this sign indicates that both parties are open to making compromises and being willing to accept not always getting their way to create safety, trust and intimacy. This is especially important if either one or both of your trust issues. While narcissists insist on one’s way and won’t accept no for an answer they will expect you to give up your entire life. Healthy relationships are where both sides get their way sometimes and get it wrong other times.
• POWER IS SHARE: Sharing power (or “power with”) is different from one person having dominance (power over) or the other being subordinate (power under). Healthy relationships are able to negotiate needs and agree on boundaries. They also make compromises so that there isn’t one person leading or controlling the others. This is not about gender stereotypes, but social justice and equality. Healthy relationships are one in which patriarchal norms do not apply, and both the male and female partners can freely express their stereotypically masculine or feminine characteristics.
• HAPPY BOUNDARIES: Healthy relationships require two-sided, flexible boundaries that are both negotiable and two-sided. They keep the two of you apart without allowing for intimacy avoidance walls or abusive behavior. Both parties know their needs and can ask for it. They also have the courage to say no when they don’t mean to. Both people take responsibility for any resentment or avoidance or passive aggressive behaviors that may arise. Recognizing that resentment is a sign that you are crossing your boundaries and then blaming others for not upholding your boundaries, both of them will accept the responsibility. Healthy relationships are one in which both parties know better than to point fingers at the other person if they don’t stand up for their needs and communicate those needs clearly. In unhealthy relationships, one may set rigid boundaries to control the other. Or they might say yes even though they mean no, and become resentful or passive aggressive. To have healthy boundaries, both the parties must know what is okay and what isn’t okay. They also need to be able to communicate what is okay and what isn’t okay freely so that the other person’s yes is real and their no is accepted. Both can freely request boundaries from each other and also receive them generously.
• CAPACITY TO EARN SECURE ATTACHMENT: Secure attachment can be earned, regardless of attachment style. If two people are trustworthy, secure attachment can also be earned. This can take time if either of the parties chooses an insecure attachment style. Secure attachment is easier if anxious people are reassured under stress that “Nobody’s going away” and if avoidant people are allowed to have space if they need it. Consistency is the key to insecurely attached individuals. Secure attachment can be achieved if you are consistent and can show up, but not martyring yourself or allowing others to abuse you.
• YOU MUST CENTER EACH OTHER EQUUALLY: In unhealthy relationships, one person can take up all of the space while the other takes care. Space is shared in healthy relationships. Each person takes turns being the center and the listener. Neither of you are triggered if the other is being centered sometimes. You can also turn your attention away in a reasonable, nonjudgmental, well-boundaried manner. Both you and your friend can have friends of any gender. You both agree to respect each other’s boundaries and to keep them safe and respectful.
• PRIVACY IS RESPECTED. Healthy people won’t share their emails, texts, or diaries without permission. They won’t reveal sensitive information about another person without their permission or shame or humiliate someone. They don’t post anything about the other person on social media. Healthy people may share vulnerable material with a therapist, trusted friend, or counselor. Both parties feel comfortable being vulnerable without fear of their vulnerability being weaponized or exposed.
• THE SLOW BURNING: Relationships that are characterized by a lot of erotic energy and spellbound attraction (often referred to as “twin flames”) can burn brightly and quickly, destroying each other. While healthy relationships might not have as much ecstatic love at the start, as the relationship grows, the flame will grow as trust, safety, and intimacy increase.
• BOTH SAY YES to THERAPY, IF THE OTHER ASKS. All relationships will have friction if they are close enough. Healthy relationships recognize this and will be open to professional help if necessary.
• MUTUAL Personal Responsibility: Healthy relationships require both partners to do their jobs and take responsibility for their actions.
• LOVING & INTIMITY ARE A CHOICE: In unhealthy relationships, real love is not possible. It’s easy to mistake chemistry or enmity for intimacy or love, but it is not. Healthy relationships allow for both the giving and receiving of love, but it isn’t transactional. They also allow for intimacy to be tolerated without being abusive.
• YOU BOTH HAVE TO SKIN IN The GAME: In unhealthy relationships one person is more invested than the other (emotionally and financially as well as energetically and time). Healthy relationships have both something to gain and some to lose. You can share risk fairly equally. You must both make time to nurture the intimacy you share, enjoy each other’s company, and repair rifts quickly. Prioritizing your relationship is as important as prioritizing other things like money, work, or achieving a goal.
• ALL EMOTIONS ARE WELCOME. In unhealthy relationships, emotions can be divided into “good” and “spiritual”, as well as “bad” and “unspiritual”. Healthy relationships recognize all emotions as vital information for intimacy and nourishment. Some may require actions or boundaries, while others may be able to express them freely. Healthy relationships might require toxic positivity to avoid conflict and shut down anger, jealousy, fear, and other emotions. Healthy relationships respect them all without resorting to avoidance, withdrawal, stonewalling, avoidance or attack.
• BOTH PARTIES ARE AWARE OF HOW TO SELF REGULATE EMOTIONS: We need to be able to co-regulate with other people (therapists, friends, etc.) when we are upset. However, when two people get upset, it is not always easy for one to self-regulate and co-regulate for the other.
• YOU BOTH INFLUE EACH OTHER: It is impossible to have a healthy relationship if you are not both influential and able influence. We are likely to be narcissists if we allow our partner to influence us. We are more likely to become codependent if we allow our partner to control us. Healthy relationships have a balance of influences. We care about what our partner thinks and feels, but we don’t have to be controlled by their feelings or appeasement in the sense that they are crossing our boundaries.

There is no relationship that is perfect or bad. Relationships are constantly on a spectrum of health and unhealthy, so it is important to not have unrealistic expectations or no expectations at all about your health. How does a relationship balance when you consider its Gestalt? None of us can be trusted all the time. We all trust when we are in Self, but we all have the potential to be untrustworthy when we mix with others. How much can two people Self-lead together if at least one is in Self while the other is mixed? It’s quite good if it’s more then 50% of the time. You’ll be able to get back on track if you do get off-track. This will allow you to connect with others without having to do all the emotional labor.