Where Does The Locus Of Responsibility Lie When You’re Angry or Resentful

As I was finishing my book and getting ready to teach an online course Spiritual Bypassing Rehabilitation 2.0, I began to wonder how spiritual teachings can make us angry-phobic and demonize anger. Anger is what we need to protect our own boundaries and protect those who are vulnerable. It is a necessary emotion to maintain our integrity. When someone crosses our boundaries, it is important to be able and capable of standing up for ourselves. We should be outraged if someone violates our boundaries, as we have seen with the police brutality against innocent Black men.

However, religions and New Agers tend to believe that anger is something less than “spiritual” and should be suppressed. Uncontrolled anger can lead violence, so it is important to control it. However, properly contained anger provides the fuel we need to protect our boundaries and those we love.

Resentment is when we are unable to control our emotions, get passive-aggressive or fail to say no.

I was struck by the difference between anger, resentment and boundaries and responsibility. If you are coercively controlling or narcissistic, they will blame you for making them angry. They will also resent you expressing their needs. The codependent person will often blame others for their anger and take responsibility for the anger of others. These unhealthy patterns can be broken by addressing the traumas that led to them. This is not an easy task.

My understanding of anger is that it is an emotion that can flare up in relatively healthy people when someone crosses your boundaries, or when you need a request made or a boundary set. Thank God! We are at risk of having our boundaries eroded again and again if our anger is suppressed because it was not allowed as children.

In the case of reasonably healthy people, resentment is a sign that we are not following our boundaries or failing enforce them. I feel different from the more energizing, boundary-protecting anger, which is a draining, seething, and brooding feeling. My stories of resentment tend to be blaming, judging, and just plain pissy when I feel this way. Sometimes I feel taken advantage of and that the other person doesn’t value me. Resentful feelings can cause me to compare myself to others and make them feel inferior. Sometimes I can start to think negatively about people I love. I might blame them for their ulterior motives or doubt them. Or I might clench my jaw when I think of that person. Resentment makes me a less generous person who doesn't take my relationships seriously enough.

This is always a sign to me that I am crossing my own boundaries. Resentment is always my responsibility. It means that I am being generous beyond my resources, or I'm not setting boundaries or communicating a need. Resentful feelings can lead to a feeling of being resentful that will escalate to the point where my runaway parts want to leave this person. If I don't communicate how I feel and think about leaving, it's unfair to the other person. They may not be aware that I am upset. It might cause them to act differently if they are cut off.

Although it is similar to anger, resentment is a passive aggressive form of anger. It can appear when we say yes, but mean no, or when we expect others to understand our thoughts. While anger is usually visible to others, resentment can be invisible to them. Although anger can be visible as a healthy form of protest, resentment may go unnoticed by those you are feeling resentful towards. This is especially true if you try to hide your feelings with a fake smile and pretend you're fine.

It feels different when anger heats up. Sometimes anger can cause me to need to define a boundary that I have not yet established. Until someone crosses it, I might not be able to tell where my boundary is. If I have never communicated my boundaries, it is my responsibility to do so.

If I have already spoken my needs and boundaries, then the heat of anger is usually a sign that someone else has crossed a boundary or failed to fulfill an agreement we made together. If that happens, anger is often someone else's problem, and not mine. They've hurt me or crossed a boundary after I have made them clear.

If I have communicated my boundaries with someone and they have agreed to do so, I am responsible for how I hold them accountable. I must also maintain that boundary. I can't let my anger lead me to be abusive. If they continue to cross a boundary and they do it again and again, then that's their fault. The anger that results from a broken boundary is acceptable anger. It's because someone has done something unethical. This doesn't mean I have to behave badly but it does allow me to be firm in maintaining my boundary.

Instead of expressing my disapproval or saying something, I let my anger simmer and suppress my healthy protest. It's easy for my anger to become resentment when someone crosses a boundary. My anger in the moment of a boundary breach is a healthy signal for me to shore up the boundary and reset it. If necessary, I may also enforce some kind of a consequence such as a call to the intimacy dial down, insisting on a couple's therapy appointment or taking away some privilege so that the other person feels the sting.

You might have to reset the boundary a few times because someone didn't understand, hear or grasp the message clearly enough the first time. If someone doesn't or won’t respect the same boundary multiple times after you have communicated your needs and boundaries clearly to them, they are not safe and you should stop protecting them.

All of my statements about anger and resentment are applicable to people who are reasonably healthy, relatively safe, and not too entitled or narcissistic. Anger is often not caused by someone being too narcissistic. Sometimes anger is caused by a hissy fit or a resentful response to someone else's boundaries. This is an unreasonable anger that doesn't protect boundaries. It's an unreasonable anger which protects their undue right.

Resentment in those with narcissistic wounding isn't necessarily a sign that the narcissist has crossed their boundaries. It may be arising from someone else making a perfectly reasonable request or feeling pressured. This is not a sign they are ignoring their needs. It's a side effect that they feel entitled to prioritize their needs over those of others.

What is the right place to feel anger or resentment if we have to deal with sick people? If you are healthy and someone is repeatedly crossing your boundaries, it is your responsibility to continue holding the boundary and enforce it. If this doesn't work, you have the responsibility to make sure that they don't cross your boundaries again.

If you feel resentful and are reasonably healthy, you have to determine if you are being generous, overly generous, or giving up on your rights. If you don't communicate your needs or say yes when you mean no or give more than you can afford, it's not your fault. Resentment can be your signal to “YOU-turn” to get back to yourself. If you are the one who doesn't make requests or sets or enforces clear boundaries, it's unfair to blame them.

You don't have to accept responsibility for someone crossing a boundary if you use your anger or resentment. They are responsible for that. They can get mad at you for holding the boundary. You can negotiate the boundary with them to find a better compromise for both of you. Sometimes, especially with the more narcissistic type, they won't like your boundaries. They feel entitled to things that they don't have, and they will blame you for setting boundaries. They like to believe they are limitless, and will get upset if you put limits. They don't like the feeling of being out of control when you say “NO”. It's not their fault, it's their fault.

It is not your responsibility not to anger someone who feels entitled to something they are not entitled to. It's not your responsibility to avoid angering someone who feels entitled to things they don't have. They should respect your boundaries and seek therapy to sort it out. While most narcissistic, entitled and pompous people will not do this, those with lower narcissism and who are more willing to admit that they have a problem may be able to seek help. They might learn to accept their no, respect their boundaries, manage their anger, manage their resentment and work together to meet your needs.

People who are more codependent can find it difficult to determine where the responsibility lies. People who are codependent tend to be more accepting of others' feelings and to appease or compromise to avoid angering others. They don't usually take responsibility for their own resentment, or accept responsibility for the actions of others. This can lead to them experiencing “backlash” from the neglected parts and the rights they have to be protected. Codependents become more resentful, and they start to seethe inside. They then get so fed up that they either walk away or blow up. Codependents must take responsibility for their own anger, but not for upsetting others if they say no.

It's fine if someone entitled doesn’t like your answer. They are allowed to have a tantrum. However, allowing someone to have a tantrum is not a way for them to grow up or learn how to control their anger. Normal people feel anger when their boundaries get crossed. However, narcissistic or unwell people can feel anger when they are forced to obey a boundary. They may not just respect the boundary but blame the person who established it or blow up if it is being reinforced. This is out of line.

People in poor health may feel resentful if someone makes a reasonable request. They might also feel put upon if they are asked to do something that is not their choice. It is important to recognize that resentment can arise from someone close to you expecting you to be there for them even if you are only willing to do one thing. To be more codependent, people need to be less generous, be more self-reliant and be willing to let go of others if necessary in order to meet their own needs. It is important for more narcissist types to become more generous. They need to stop resenting others and learn to give back to them less.

This is a process to get rid of anger and resentment, and place responsibility. Although it can get messy in the middle, with the right support we can all learn how to recognize our healthy anger and the signs of our own resentment and communicate better about what is okay and unacceptable. Many New Agers and religious fundamentalists have their priorities wrong. They use spiritual bypassing techniques to demonize anger to get narcissistic people off the hook and spiritualize and justify borderlessness. It's easier to get things done when you can set aside that twisted compass. Honoring healthy anger when someone crosses our boundaries is a sign that we have crossed our boundaries.

If you are angry at someone who repeatedly crosses your boundary, is it your fault? Who's to blame if you feel resentful? Who's to blame if you behave in unhealthy ways because of your anger? Whose fault is it if you act out in unhealthy ways based on your anger?

Spiritually bypassing circles encourage people to blame others, trying to convince boundary-violating victims that it's their fault. Indoctrinated teachings are designed to force victims to let abusers off the hook. This allows the most narcissistic people to get away with anything they want. This is a backwards step.

Let's get this straightened out. Are you too concerned about not disappointing or angering people? Are you averse to taking on the responsibility for your anger and blaming others? Are you a victim of your own entitlement to have what you want all the time? Do you expect others to accept responsibility for your emotions? How can you make this all work?

In the forthcoming online program Spiritual Bypassing Recovery 2.0, we'll discuss this and other aspects of deprogramming anger-phobics, spiritual bypassing, conflict avoidant doctrinetrination. This was the version I taught in 2020. I have since written a whole manuscript to help people get rid of spiritual bypassing without sacrificing the beauty of spirituality.

Come join us for Spiritual Bypassing Rehabilitation 2.0

Lissa Rankin's post Where Does the Locus Of Responsibility Lie When You're Angrily or Resentful appeared first on Lissa Rankin

Frequently Asked Questions

Who uses holistic medicines?

Holistic medicine is health care that treats the whole person as opposed to treating specific symptoms. It is concerned with both the physical and mental aspects of well-being.

Holistic medicine is acupuncture as well massage therapy, chiropractic, nutritional counseling, Yoga, and other complementary therapies.

People who practice holistic medicine include people with cancer, heart issues, diabetes and arthritis.

What are the advantages of holistic medicine over traditional medicine?

Many religions, cultures, and nations have used holistic remedies for thousands upon thousands of years. They are based on ancient knowledge, experience, and were created.

These medicines are safe and effective. They also come at a reasonable price. These side effects are far less severe than those from pharmaceutical drugs.

They are also beneficial for your overall health and well-being.

They can protect you from disease and improve your overall wellbeing.

They may even cure diseases such as cancer, diabetes, heart disease, arthritis, asthma, depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, etc.

There are many traditional medicines available, with each having its own benefits.

The World Health Organization has estimated that around 80% rely on traditional methods of treating illness and injury.

It was reported that about half a billion people rely on traditional herbal remedies for primary healthcare.

The global market in complementary therapies is expected to reach $22.2 Billion by 2020.

People are increasingly looking for alternative medical options to avoid any side effects that may be associated with traditional treatments.

Complementary therapies are often used when other options fail to work. They might also consider them before considering surgery or medication.

There are many good reasons to choose complementary therapies.

To improve your quality of life
To reduce stress levels
For relaxation
To relieve pain
To enhance immunity
To support you in dealing with serious illness
To boost energy
To control weight
To maintain good nutrition
To improve sleep patterns
To treat chronic conditions

What's the difference between holistic medicine versus alternative medicine?

Holistic medicine treats all aspects of the person: mind, body, soul, and spirit. It examines all aspects that affect a person’s overall health. These include the psychological, spiritual and environmental factors often overlooked in traditional medicine. Alternative medicine addresses specific conditions, such as asthma, allergies, arthritis, and other ailments.

Who uses alternative medicine

Alternative medicine is often used for many reasons.

They seek to avoid dangerous drugs and surgeries.
They believe natural remedies work better.
They prefer noninvasive treatments.
They want less money.
They feel more secure using natural products
They want to have more control over their own healthcare decisions.
They want to take responsibility for their health.
They desire a better environment.
They are looking for less stress in life.
They want greater freedom to choose their doctors and healthcare plans.
They want their children to receive a better education.
They want healthy food and good nutrition for their family.
They need safe and effective medications.

What are the five domains of integrative medical care?

The five domains of integrative medicine include mind-body, nutrition, social determinants, lifestyle, and prevention. These five areas include all aspects health care including mental, spiritual, as well as environmental well-being.

Integrative medicine offers a comprehensive approach for addressing your overall health, well-being, and treatment of diseases. It encompasses both conventional medical treatments as well as complementary therapies like acupuncture and yoga, meditation and massage therapy.

Complementary and Alternative Healthcare: Is it Evidence-based?

Although the evidence base for alternative and complementary medicine is still in flux, there are many reasons people choose them. You might have tried traditional treatments and found them ineffective. Or you may be looking for an alternative treatment because it has more benefits than conventional care. They might also consider alternative and complementary medicines to improve their health. Patients should always check if any complementary and alternative medicines they use are supported by scientific research. If you aren't sure if a particular treatment is safe or effective, consult your doctor. It will save you time and money over the long-term.

Statistics

An assessment of conventional treatments found that 41.3% concluded positive or possibly positive effects, 20% concluded no effect, 8.1% concluded net harmful effects, and 21.3% concluded insufficient evidence. (en.wikipedia.org)
These studies found that 38.4% concluded positive or possibly positive effects for CAM (12.4%), 4.8% concluded no effect, 0.7% concluded harmful effects, and 56.6% concluded insufficient evidence. (en.wikipedia.org)
The concept of regression toward the mean implies that an extreme result is more likely to be followed by a less extreme result. (en.wikipedia.org)
category.[111]Edzard Ernst characterized the evidence for many alternative techniques as weak, nonexistent, or negative and in 2011, published his estimate that about 7.4% were based on “sound evidence.” However, he believes that may be an overestimate. (en.wikipedia.org)
The use of alternative medicine in the US has increased, with a 50 percent increase in expenditures and a 25 percent increase in the use of alternative therapies between 1990 and 1997 in America. (en.wikipedia.org)

External Links

How To

How to make a career in Holistic Medicine

The field of holistic medicine is growing at an unprecedented rate. This career path can be pursued in many different ways. It is best to return home to school if this is what you desire to do if it is a commitment to your chosen profession.

Many schools offer programs in holistic medicine. These include the National College for Complementary Medicines (NCCM), which offers both undergraduate and postgraduate degrees. A number of programs are offered specifically for medical professionals interested in entering the field.

In addition, numerous online universities are offering holistic health classes as well. The Institute of Integrative Nutrition (IIN) is an example of such a program. The institute provides students with a range of holistic health education tools.

You can also enroll in a four-year college. Many colleges now offer holistic health courses. For example, the University of California offers a Bachelor of Science in Holistic Health Sciences.

If you plan on pursuing a career in holistic medicine, you should consider taking a course in nutrition. NCCM recommends to students that they study nutrition before embarking upon any professional training. They say that “a good understanding of nutritional science is essential for anyone practicing integrative medicine.”

Holistic medicine is more holistic than traditional medicine because it focuses on the whole person and not just symptoms. It requires more skill and knowledge. Because of this, those interested in holistic medicine need to understand how to evaluate different types of illness from a nutritional perspective.

According to the NCCM nutritionists often work alongside doctors to give dietary advice to their patients. Some go so far to recommend specific diets and supplements based upon their assessment of the patient.

The fundamental principles of nutrition are essential for holistic practitioners. This includes knowing which foods are healthy, and which are not. It can also include identifying nutritional deficiencies or other problems that might be causing them.

It is important to remember that holistic practitioners do not specialize in nutrition. Some specialize in herbal therapies, while others are more focused on acupuncture. Others combine both of these approaches into one treatment.

However, most holistic practitioners recommend a diet rich in fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds, and grains. They also emphasize eating plenty of fish and seafood. They also recommend that you avoid fast food restaurants and processed food products. They recommend that people eat as much organic produce as possible.

One thing holistic practitioners agree on is that a healthy diet will prevent disease. There are some things that they disagree on. For instance, they don't believe that gluten causes celiac disease. They believe that the disorder is caused by a deficiency of nutrients.

They do agree, however, that certain foods can trigger allergic reactions. Anaphylaxis is caused by shellfish and peanuts, according to them. They also caution against excessive caffeine intake.

Although many holistic practitioners may use herbs to treat various ailments, they prefer not to use pharmaceutical drugs. Because such drugs are not effective in solving the problem but only mask it, holistic practitioners avoid using them. Therefore, natural remedies are preferred.

Holistic practitioners are not only able to offer alternative therapies but also employ many complementary methods. These include:

Acupuncture – In Chinese medicine, this involves strategically inserting needles under the skin. This is believed to stimulate the body's healing mechanisms.
Herbal therapy – In addition to acupuncture, holistic practitioners commonly use herbs to treat various disorders. One common herb used for this purpose is ginseng.
Homeopathy – A type of traditional Chinese medicine that is based upon the principle that similar cures work, homeopathy. Consider a situation in which you experience symptoms similar to those experienced by someone with a certain ailment. In that case, you should seek a remedy that contains the same ingredients found in the original substance.
Massage therapy – Many holistic practitioners offer massage to promote relaxation and stress reduction. They also claim that it helps improve blood circulation, increase energy levels and ease muscle tension.

You should make sure that the practitioner you choose meets your needs. For example, a practitioner who specializes in nutrition counseling is a good choice. A practitioner who has been certified by American Association of Oriental Medicine will also be able to teach you more about acupuncture.

Before making any decisions about holistic health, consult your doctor. You may also wish to check with your insurance provider to know what services are covered.

–

——————————————————————————————————————————————

This blog is a source of general information and discussion on health and related topics. Information and materials on this blog, on the website, or in any of the connected materials are not intended to replace or used as a substitute for the advice of a medical professional, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog does not represent the application of any nursing, medical or other health professional advice or diagnosis. We are unable to diagnose health conditions, offer second opinions or provide specific treatment recommendations via this blog or on our website.

If you or another person is suffering from a medical issue and you are concerned, consult your doctor or seek out other medical professional treatment as soon as possible. Do not disregard medical advice from a professional or delay seeking it due to information you seen on the blog or website or in any of the linked materials. If you're experiencing an emergency medical situation, dial 911 or seek emergency medical assistance on the closest phone immediately.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

By: Karoline
Title: Where Does The Locus Of Responsibility Lie When You’re Angry or Resentful
Sourced From: lissarankin.com/where-does-the-locus-of-responsibility-lie-when-youre-angry-or-resentful/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=where-does-the-locus-of-responsibility-lie-when-youre-angry-or-resentful
Published Date: Sat, 18 Feb 2023 13:00:00 +0000